everyone asking me to forget you because of lots of things that you said about me that stress you to give up on us. but do you know that the person who actually has such stress was me and not you? and how come i was able to hold on to the stress, but you chose to use it as an excuse to escape?
1) you told me i stress you out in terms of friends. let me ask you this, why is it that i hanged out with your friends and chat (thou not a lot), but you never did with mine? i told you to hang out with my friends, but you always said no, because i should have my girls time. so when i did the same for you, letting you have your guys time, you said i should have been with you. So when i'm with you, you said I never give you face by giving black face? did i really? or is it a term that your friends telling you? because judging from what i remember (which is a lot like i always tell you), my face was the same as all your friends and yours. So tell me, why is it that whatever expression on my face, it's called black face, but on any others, it's not? Tell me again, why is it that you said you're happier when you are with your friends when you are equally as happy when you are with me and your friends together? in fact, looking at your facial expression, you don't seems to be "happier" when you are with your friends. (because you and I both locked ourselves up and just pretend to be happy with other people, just so we don't affect their mood.) maybe with your darts friends, because i know you are happier there, but then again, i only hanged out with your darts friends once, and we got along pretty well, so stress? nope. that's just as an excuse you are deceiving yourself with. and like i told you, you think i never communicate with your friends, but i did. you said never to judge a book by it's cover, so why did you use it as an excuse to deceive yourself?
2) you told me i stress you out in terms of family, but did i really? from my memory, i got along pretty well with your family too. well at least when i'm oversea, i did wish your aunty a happy new year. maybe i wasn't that good with family relation because you should know how small my family is, but hey, i queued and communicated with your aunt in regards to hello kitty queue. so where did i not talk to your family? well, maybe not so much to your dad and brother, well other than that time for ur 21st b'day video that we communicated more. but hey, i talked to your mum when you are bathing. if not, do you think you will be "forced" to take a degree? and the thing is, you always wanted to go home whenever you come to my house. maybe you felt pressured, but you are the first guy that i introduced to my family, and that means something important to me. but then again, when a couple date, isn't it firstly about the couple and the other parties related to us don't matter? because it's not like we are talking about marriage or whatsoever so soon anyway.
3) maybe it's okay to ask your friends for opinions, but when the problems surfaced, shouldn't all problems be solved by the parties involved? you said so yourself to me, friends can offered opinions, not options, so why are you not listening to your own advice? why are you using those opinions as options? problems happened, it's to be discussed by the parties involved, so problems can be resolved. but why are you taking these problems and trying to solve it yourself? why is it when i wanted to talk with you the problems, you refused to talk, you don't wish to solve but to escape? but when i was away, you then decided to solve the problems? ironic, isn't it?
4) you said that why is it you feel bored in our relationship, have you realised that for sparks to happen, it takes 2 parties. i don't mind creating the sparks for you when i was by your side, it's tiring work, but it's worth it for the laughter I can see on your face, you know why? cause it's love. the things you do for love are crazy and beyond words to explain. and the reason you felt bored is because we have reached our comfort zone. you used to what i do, i'm used to what you do. comfort has both good and bad. good comfort is what you see in your parents daily life. look at your parents. aren't they comfortable with each other too? isn't that the pattern? if you were to take every comfort zone in every r/s as a breaking point, wouldn't that be doomed for every couple? do you see every couple try to build chemistry when they are in a long term r/s? they do, you might not see it unless you look closer because the initial sparks will always die, but it takes both parties to work hard for the future they wish to build together.
5) do you think i have no trust in you? if i don't have, do you think i will dare to travel thousands of miles across the Earth and be away from you? ask yourself that. is it really me chasing my dream and ignoring you, or is it me trusting your words and your actions and giving you the freedom that you seems to lack of to think about us more in the future? yes, you can look at it at many viewpoints. me chasing my dream of studying overseas, but I was doing it for you too. I am supportive of your future, your career, because a career means so much more to a man than a lady. I was seeing the world, and wanted to share with you. You hate the countries, i accept it, but the businesses done there is how it makes so many companies so successful globally. what makes you so sure your business won't do as well as them? if their businesses can be doing so well, isn't it a proven tactic that you should adopt too? maybe it's my fault for keep trying to tell you to go over there, but you need to see the world to learn. i may teased you, but the fact remains that i trusted you very much. you said i became arrogant, but did i really? is it yet another opinion that you heard somewhere? because ahjuushi, you are doomed to find out that a lot of girls/ladies/women are like that. because that's is what differential a lady from a guy. maybe cause you didn't know me from young, that's why you think that way, but the change in me, you made me changed. for the better or for the worst, you decide.
6) the 3rd year or better known as the three year itch or the resigned compliance stage or the disillusionment. I thought i wasn't the long term gf type, but you made me think twice about myself. people always says that the 3rd year is the toughest because by now you realized that what initially attracted you to each other, you now find it different from what you want. but that isn't true for me. cause what i find attractive about you, still remains as that. because to me, what remains important to me is that you are happy, smiling away, acting like a kid, just like how you acted when you got to chose your diving suit. that kind of happiness, that kiddo smiles, that thumbs up you put up. that is what called happiness. remember you said before if i am happy, you are happy, it's the same thing that is happening for me. if you can't find happiness within yourself, you can't provide happiness to the other half. i wasn't happy with myself, that's why i couldn't bring happiness to you. that's why you find it tiring to make me happy. maybe you find it boring because you already discovered who i am, you become not interested in the chase after finding out who i am. well, i told you before, your thinking is a bit like a woman, and for woman, when you find out who the person really is, you just fall deeper for him. seems like not the case for you, or is it?
7) why is it that when i mentioned the past, you just brushed away the past? what is it about the past that bothers you so much that you don't wish to see it anymore? why are you "afraid" to re-live the past if you said your determination is strong? what past has past, isn't it? so you mean as a normal friend, you can't talk about the past? yes, you moved on, and i have semi-moved on. I believe that things will come to a full cycle when it ends for no reason. am i still waiting for you to come back to what we once was? yes. because when you left, you left with a part of me. the same thing if you were to ask about my first love. because he left with a part of me. the number of times you break up, you left a part of yourself with the person, no matter how small or big the part is. memories is a powerful tool, because if you can always re-live in the past with that memory in your mind. in order to be happy, you have to live in the present in a happy state, but looking back in the past of those happy memories. that's how you stay happy. but you just make me wonder why is it about the past that you refuse to hear about?
i still have more to say, just like any woman going thru a heartbreak. questions after questions. but the fact that i can't say out to you makes me wonder am i right to continue to do this for you? i can only said that i'm in this battle this far, when i didn't know i sign up for this war in the beginning. maybe it's a mother instinct in me that wants to protect you, or maybe it's the love i have for you that makes me do this, but when the day eventually arrived, i know you won't want to be with me after you see the battle i fought for you. because i'm no different from what will be exposed, cause humans are humans after all. but for this last battle that i will fight, i hope it makes your future a brighter one once everything comes to light.
always loving you and still waiting.
