taking my first ME day of the year - by walking down memory lane

so i decided to have my first me day for this year in sg after the past 3 weeks of i don't know what i'm doing. have i managed to put it together? yeah, i think so. or maybe cause my pms mood is over. sorry, girls fact of life.

gotta run an errand for my mum at chinatown, so headed that way. chinatown used to mean differently to me until you came into my life. went to meet na and loy for lunch during their lunch break, so i got to take the exit that i seldom or rarely take, the very same exit stairs that you sat down and waited for me to come, with flowers that you are not happy with because of how they packaged it. but still, it's the first time you gave me real flowers. but still, i told you i was okay with it, cause it's the thoughts that count. with the little flashback when i made my way exiting the station, to find na & loy for lunch. i'm back doing things that i once was before you came into my life, or at least doing what i would do before i lost myself. In this battle for my own self, i guess i finally found who i am, and got a better grip of it than what i had once. so what if people don't like me? i ain't born to please everyone, cause i am who i am. everyone's bound to have enemies, so why bother to please everyone? the one that pretends to be your friend in front of you and behind your back stabbing you, that's your enemy, you just got to know who is it.

back to lunch, mountain tortoise me had yet to step into chinatown point or what i love to call the doraemon building after their renovation. and first time i'm having lunch (that's my only cheat day for 3 weeks). anyway, great catch up and having them trying to persuade me to buy a travel package from them. -.- you guys give me the money to travel okay? and don't send me to weird weird places la! but the funny thing about friendship is that when everyone is schooling, nobody has much free time to meet, but once everyone starts working, the calendars automatically clears up for meeting. that's just life man.

so after luncheon, them back to work, and i headed to china square which i did not know is owned by fraser malls. bad retail student. :( and seeing that i have yet to make my observations over a few wet markets in singapore (that's my dissertation topic) , headed over to chinatown market.

flashbacks to our memories to all these places:

• walking passed that corner room opposite chinatown point where we went once, yet another flashback to your army days. 
• walking passed the dessert shop where we shared the traditional almond and peanut soup, 
• walking thru the back alleys where i always make a joke about how rapists and robbery loves to take place only in such places in tv shows and movies, 
• walking passed the shop where after u gave me flowers, we went there for chilli crabs because they don't cost as much as those seafood restaurants, 
• walking into the market, staring upstairs the hawker where you love that chicken rice stall cause they gave you more chicken than rice, 
• at the porridge stall where you purposely woke me up to go have breakfast at before heading to school, 
• walking passed the lifts where we waited for lift to get to the carpark and you always making an illegal turn out of the carpark, claiming your skills too good, and searching for the car every time. 

headed to the wet market to get some photos for my report, and i felt weird in my outfit at the market. so i continued our memories trip

• walking passed that durian stall where you always run across
• the frog porridge stall that you claimed is better than geylang's frog porridge
• walking passed the lift we took to your first old house and your grandfather's house
• to the shop where you bought coffee for your mother.
• to the place where I first met your grandfather. 

minor things that makes you realised how much you didn't take notice until you left the country and coming back to losing what is actually important to you - love and memories.

another thing i realized is how i can always walked past and just treated everything as just as they belonged. but i never take a step slower and appreciate what is the culture that is left behind. because the chinatown that what i once knew, is no longer how it is already. no longer the queue for the famous "biscuits" for a lack of better word, instead, it's the queue for bak kwa, which to be honest, i think the standard fell. it wasn't as nice as it once was. but then again, i was crazy and bored enough to wanting to queue and just to disturb the queue line. ha!

but then it's good that i had my me day. walking thru memory lane, and finally appreciating what i didn't treasured in the past, yet living thru the happy times.

maybe it's time i go back into my protection mode just like how we once chatted about it, just like how you are acting now, because in basic sense, we are pretty similar. just like how you will always faked happiness when you go thru breakup because you don't wish to affect anyone other than yourself. like how i don't like my mood to affect people. because like you said once, we are similar in many senses and we were a unit once.

xoxo to you.

Goodbye my lover

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun, (no i didn't after a while)
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your hand.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

[x2]
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer and when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take. 
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while. (everytime)
I'd be the father (mother) of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

[x2]
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep. (when you sleep)
And I will bare my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.

[x2]
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

why bother to hide from me?

maybe you didn't change at all. maybe you are still who are. but one thing for sure, i'm no longer the negative side that you thought of me. moved on? possibly. cause if you have nothing to hide from me, why bother to hide from me every single damn time i'm online on any social platform? i bet you don't see twitter anymore.
maybe cause memories don't mean as much to you as it does to me. i'm still re-reading our past msn chats, re-reading your past tweets to me. those are happy moments. and i like to live in happy moments. but i supposed you are right, the old don't go, the new don't come.
maybe history did repeat itself. another thing for sure, i don't think i will be able to trust another guy like you. thanks for making me lose faith in good guys. if not what's so tough about being a friend that you have to hide from me?
thanks for telling me that you showed care and concern when i was over there, while you lost the feeling and only waited for me to come back and tell me via sms. what difference does it make as being a friend now? i don't see the diff.
maybe you know what, you happened to be right about one thing on yourself. you think too much about our r/s and just blame it on yourself. maybe one thing you and i lost focus on, and that is the present. we lost the focus on being happy every single day just by being with one another, the simplicity of happiness. remember you said to take a step at a time, looks like we didn't and this is what happens now. but whatever it is, i hope you have fun trying to hide from me every single time because pal, remember what i once said? "how big is Singapore only? lost also can find one."
loving you then, loving you still. 

questions and doubts makes me think about it all.

looks like it has become a habit to blog out my feelings. hmmm. lengthy post ahead.

everyone asking me to forget you because of lots of things that you said about me that stress you to give up on us. but do you know that the person who actually has such stress was me and not you? and how come i was able to hold on to the stress, but you chose to use it as an excuse to escape?

1) you told me i stress you out in terms of friends. let me ask you this, why is it that i hanged out with your friends and chat (thou not a lot), but you never did with mine? i told you to hang out with my friends, but you always said no, because i should have my girls time. so when i did the same for you, letting you have your guys time, you said i should have been with you. So when i'm with you, you said I never give you face by giving black face? did i really? or is it a term that your friends telling you? because judging from what i remember (which is a lot like i always tell you), my face was the same as all your friends and yours. So tell me, why is it that whatever expression on my face, it's called black face, but on any others, it's not? Tell me again, why is it that you said you're happier when you are with your friends when you are equally as happy when you are with me and your friends together? in fact, looking at your facial expression, you don't seems to be "happier" when you are with your friends. (because you and I both locked ourselves up and just pretend to be happy with other people, just so we don't affect their mood.) maybe with your darts friends, because i know you are happier there, but then again, i only hanged out with your darts friends once, and we got along pretty well, so stress? nope. that's just as an excuse you are deceiving yourself with. and like i told you, you think i never communicate with your friends, but i did. you said never to judge a book by it's cover, so why did you use it as an excuse to deceive yourself? 

2) you told me i stress you out in terms of family, but did i really? from my memory, i got along pretty well with your family too. well at least when i'm oversea, i did wish your aunty a happy new year. maybe i wasn't that good with family relation because you should know how small my family is, but hey, i queued and communicated with your aunt in regards to hello kitty queue. so where did i not talk to your family? well, maybe not so much to your dad and brother, well other than that time for ur 21st b'day video that we communicated more. but hey, i talked to your mum when you are bathing. if not, do you think you will be "forced" to take a degree? and the thing is, you always wanted to go home whenever you come to my house. maybe you felt pressured, but you are the first guy that i introduced to my family, and that means something important to me. but then again, when a couple date, isn't it firstly about the couple and the other parties related to us don't matter? because it's not like we are talking about marriage or whatsoever so soon anyway.

3) maybe it's okay to ask your friends for opinions, but when the problems surfaced, shouldn't all problems be solved by the parties involved? you said so yourself to me, friends can offered opinions, not options, so why are you not listening to your own advice? why are you using those opinions as options? problems happened, it's to be discussed by the parties involved, so problems can be resolved. but why are you taking these problems and trying to solve it yourself? why is it when i wanted to talk with you the problems, you refused to talk, you don't wish to solve but to escape? but when i was away, you then decided to solve the problems? ironic, isn't it? 

4) you said that why is it you feel bored in our relationship, have you realised that for sparks to happen, it takes 2 parties. i don't mind creating the sparks for you when i was by your side, it's tiring work, but it's worth it for the laughter I can see on your face, you know why? cause it's love. the things you do for love are crazy and beyond words to explain. and the reason you felt bored is because we have reached our comfort zone. you used to what i do, i'm used to what you do. comfort has both good and bad. good comfort is what you see in your parents daily life. look at your parents. aren't they comfortable with each other too? isn't that the pattern? if you were to take every comfort zone in every r/s as a breaking point, wouldn't that be doomed for every couple? do you see every couple try to build chemistry when they are in a long term r/s? they do, you might not see it unless you look closer because the initial sparks will always die, but it takes both parties to work hard for the future they wish to build together. 

5) do you think i have no trust in you? if i don't have, do you think i will dare to travel thousands of miles across the Earth and be away from you? ask yourself that. is it really me chasing my dream and ignoring you, or is it me trusting your words and your actions and giving you the freedom that you seems to lack of to think about us more in the future? yes, you can look at it at many viewpoints. me chasing my dream of studying overseas, but I was doing it for you too. I am supportive of your future, your career, because a career means so much more to a man than a lady. I was seeing the world, and wanted to share with you. You hate the countries, i accept it, but the businesses done there is how it makes so many companies so successful globally. what makes you so sure your business won't do as well as them? if their businesses can be doing so well, isn't it a proven tactic that you should adopt too? maybe it's my fault for keep trying to tell you to go over there, but you need to see the world to learn. i may teased you, but the fact remains that i trusted you very much. you said i became arrogant, but did i really? is it yet another opinion that you heard somewhere? because ahjuushi, you are doomed to find out that a lot of girls/ladies/women are like that. because that's is what differential a lady from a guy. maybe cause you didn't know me from young, that's why you think that way, but the change in me, you made me changed. for the better or for the worst, you decide.  

6) the 3rd year or better known as the three year itch or the resigned compliance stage or the disillusionment. I thought i wasn't the long term gf type, but you made me think twice about myself. people always says that the 3rd year is the toughest because by now you realized that what initially attracted you to each other, you now find it different from what you want. but that isn't true for me. cause what i find attractive about you, still remains as that. because to me, what remains important to me is that you are happy, smiling away, acting like a kid, just like how you acted when you got to chose your diving suit. that kind of happiness, that kiddo smiles, that thumbs up you put up. that is what called happiness. remember you said before if i am happy, you are happy, it's the same thing that is happening for me. if you can't find happiness within yourself, you can't provide happiness to the other half. i wasn't happy with myself, that's why i couldn't bring happiness to you. that's why you find it tiring to make me happy. maybe you find it boring because you already discovered who i am, you become not interested in the chase after finding out who i am. well, i told you before, your thinking is a bit like a woman, and for woman, when you find out who the person really is, you just fall deeper for him. seems like not the case for you, or is it? 

7) why is it that when i mentioned the past, you just brushed away the past? what is it about the past that bothers you so much that you don't wish to see it anymore? why are you "afraid" to re-live the past if you said your determination is strong? what past has past, isn't it? so you mean as a normal friend, you can't talk about the past? yes, you moved on, and i have semi-moved on. I believe that things will come to a full cycle when it ends for no reason. am i still waiting for you to come back to what we once was? yes. because when you left, you left with a part of me. the same thing if you were to ask about my first love. because he left with a part of me. the number of times you break up, you left a part of yourself with the person, no matter how small or big the part is. memories is a powerful tool, because if you can always re-live in the past with that memory in your mind. in order to be happy, you have to live in the present in a happy state, but looking back in the past of those happy memories. that's how you stay happy. but you just make me wonder why is it about the past that you refuse to hear about? 

i still have more to say, just like any woman going thru a heartbreak. questions after questions. but the fact that i can't say out to you makes me wonder am i right to continue to do this for you? i can only said that i'm in this battle this far, when i didn't know i sign up for this war in the beginning. maybe it's a mother instinct in me that wants to protect you, or maybe it's the love i have for you that makes me do this, but when the day eventually arrived, i know you won't want to be with me after you see the battle i fought for you. because i'm no different from what will be exposed, cause humans are humans after all. but for this last battle that i will fight, i hope it makes your future a brighter one once everything comes to light. 

always loving you and still waiting. 

Growing up - what i have learnt from that 4mths

If only time can be rewind...
I wish I am there to be with you thru more challenges ahead because that is what every relationship is suppose to go thru.
But I wouldn't give up who I am now because I am glad that I am who I am now.
You go thru life to find out who you really are and be who you want to be .
Sometimes in order to grow up, you need to go thru certain stuffs to learn. And to learn, you need to learn by yourself, without help, without guidance, if not you are not growing, but helping yourself to be a prey for the strong.

I wish I helped you grow up by yourself more instead of what little I felt I done. Maybe it's time you see the world you live in by your own eyes and look more thru the 3rd party eyes , you would see your 'beautiful' world is not as nice as you think it is.
I wish that I can continue to be your friend and let you see your world thru my eyes because the biz world that you want to be in, I only worry for you. because you don't wish to visit those countries that i went, you didn't give me the time to tell you my stories, i can only hope for you the best and let you discover the world by yourself. Don't take things just by the surface cover or what you believe you know because there are more than meets the eyes.

I wanted to travel to hk n Taiwan with you, now that I'm back, but you didn't want to give me the chance to. I want to show you the world that I've seen and Maybe then, would our love have grown. But it's all too late now. I only wish that I could keep those promises I had with you, because that is who I am and I don't break promises, even as your friend.

Loving you still. Always have, always will.

The power of love = forgiving.

Everyone says the moving on part is the toughest, but how does guys do it so easily?

My friends been telling me to hate him. It's the only way to move on. But I told them I can't hate him because I already forgive him. The power of love? the stubbornness of me? The persistence of me? I told them that I realised and understand that God (regardless of whichever religion you belong to) create humans to love one another. You may complain for a while for ur hatred, but after that, you either forget about it or forgive it.

Looks like the 'answers' you gave me, wasn't closure enough for me. I guess I need more than just that. But I believe because you found another girl that you like that's why you are doing this to me. Not because the feelings are gone, because u said before the feelings will always be there No matter how small it is.

Still loving you, still waiting for you.

our love story

i know i shouldn't be writing this, but i got to write it down somewhere and i want to remember when i grow up. and writing down is a form of letting it go and moving on. I know i have grown up, from everything, but especially during the 4 months i'm away. i learnt back my independence, i recovered back my sociability, i learnt that i should continue to support you in doing what you love and not pressure you, i learnt not to relied heavily on anyone, i learnt that it's good to have someone for you to talk to, who i thought love me, learnt that i am no longer violent, learnt that if you love or care for that person, i don't mind cooking despite my own tiredness (sorry i didn't learn it earlier), learnt that everyone need their space and that i didn't give him enough space during our time together (too late now), learnt that there's no point in questioning your other half because it will just results in more arguments. despite learning everything, i wanted to come back and show u the changed me, but little did i expect you to have stop waiting for me. what happened to wanting me to own u forever? what happened to our planned future?

anyway, here is our love story which led to the ending of break up. (lengthy post)
so we were actually classmates for last year, but we weren't close at all. it was because of bqc that lead us to be closer. he was asking gf to teach while i was learning from gf already. but part 2 of our project, i was doing that part, since gf doing part 1. so he learn from gf to me. after that, we started chatting and i realised i was having fun chatting with him. (at that time, i already broke up with eugene, but we just continue to be close despite him being in a r/s.) continue chatting with him, and introduced him to girl's generation run devil run. he started liking them. and i didn't know why he like that song until later on, i found out he likes the song because it was similar to the situation that he was in with his ex. but whatever it is, we just chatted about kpop. those times when you chat, you chat via MSN messenger. i still have our conversation from then. he was really funny. keep dying because he didn't do this part, that part, really absent-mindedness. but that was what made him adorable. and because of his absent-mindedness and kept making me laugh, i enjoyed talking to him, and i don't know that i started to fall for him. but then it was always my rule to myself to never date a classmate because if things come to a bad break, it will be very awkward. but despite it, i went ahead with myself.
because we were bored, we went out together during our school holidays. went to marine square to watch a chinese movie. (yes, if you know me, i don't watch chinese movie.) and after movie, he tested me about the movie! ha. and i was literally translating those chinese terms into english. and because of that, we had laughter. we went to flyers to eat popeyes, and walked over the DNA bridge. that was when MBS first started. went into mbs to explore, got lost, but end up manage to walk to raffles mrt, and he brought me to chinatown to drive me home. that's when i learnt that he was a good gentleman.
we went out a few times after that. to hougang stadium to help each other train for napfa, with his bag placed above mine, because of security reason. he travelled all the way to hougang to train with me, which was a plus point. went to hougang mall comic connection walk about and then we went separate ways home. i still remember he always put his hand on my back and push me and laugh at my timing.
the other time we went out was to Sentosa, because we wanted to suntan. apparently that day we went, there wasn't sun. but we still went ahead. he came to pick me up at vivo, and we drove in. apparently the entrance fee was cheaper than we took monorail in, and he was happy. carpark fee wasn't that bad. so we went to change and i was very self-conscious because of my flappy arms. then after sitting down the tent, we headed to the sea and played. he tried to drown me lots of times. which was why after that we went to queensway and eat curry chicken. (our internal joke). and he drove me home. but before that, we went to punggol park and sat in front of the pond and he tried to stare into the pond to look for fishes while i just sat there. chatted a bit. i still remember i asked so i'm not important. which he replied in the car, you are not not important. which i didn't get it at all. but after when he went home, we chatted on msn. the conversation went a bit out of the way. until i gave up too much and you manage to get it. and after that we got together.
the next day, we went out to tampines, walking ikea, courts and giant. you asked me why i like you. i told you cause you are funny. and ever since, every time you sent me home or at least try to send me home.
we stayed quiet from everyone but then you asked me to update my facebook status. i didn't wanted to, but after a few days, i did. little did i know that doing such little things can make you very happy.

1st year went by soon enough. i wasn't used to someone doing sweet gestures for me, because i know i don't deserve such attention. i'm not one that does sweet gestures, i don't do art well, that's why i prefer buying gifts. it may not be from me, but i thought it meant the same things. but after looking at everyone, i saw everyone doing sweet stuffs for their bf, so i thought i should give it a try. lots of things happened, if you are reading this, i have already written it down in the cards or past messages. i may not be one that is able to show my appreciation immediately, but every gestures that you did for me, i remember. i know you feel unappreciated, that's why partly our love died. i still remember that you cried in army, calling me, begging me not to go back to my ex, because i felt lonely when you are not there. i'm sorry that i did this to you. i'm sorry i wasn't strong enough. but no number of sorry has any effect on you now.

2nd year went by too, after some arguments. i know you wanted to go diving, that's why i sent you diving. i know you don't like me spending money on you, but i like to see the smile on your face. it makes it worth it to see how much you enjoy it, and to see that smile on your face. your kiddy action of happiness, it was worth it. i tried to improve to socialise with your friends and family. it wasn't all that bad. i still prefer to sit around and watch how you guys talk, the dynamics is something very different from what i always experienced, instead of a proper you have to do this and this, what i saw is something that i never experienced about family. likewise for your friends. you might feel stress cause i don't talk much, but i like to hear you guys talk. because it's funny. that's not my black face that you always assumed. i just preferred to listen. if and when i can, i will talk, but most of the times, you guys are always in your friendship bond. try looking from an outsider angle, did you see your friends' partner talk much? the guys talked because of army talk, but other than that, they didn't talk much too, but the girls, i was the only one because your pal's girl is already friends with your friends. it's not that i'm not sociable, but it's tough to break in the wall. but look back at the last few outings, since when did i not talk at all? so don't say that it's stress. cause i'm sorry to say this, but i personally feel and observed is that because you guys bonds are so strong, you tend to believe what they say over mine. because by then, my position in your heart already fell.

by 3rd year, our excitement fell, we slipped into comfort zone. i wanted to spice up, do things we have yet to try, but to you, it was costly. and because it's costly, we had to skipped the plan and end up doing our usual stuffs. i don't mind to be honest. cause to me, at least any time spend with you was much preferred than not spend with you since i was going away for 4 months. i know you begged me to not go, but i still insists on going because it's my dream to study oversea. if you are my bf, you would have supported my dream. i thought you did. but after what you said last week, you said if you were me, you wouldn't have gone if your gf ask you not to go. i guess you can look at it two ways, either i wasn't your true love, that's why you weren't supportive, or you believe dreams should not be reality but should value love over dream. i know i had your answers, and i hope it was closure enough for me. but i still can't forget you. and i know i semi-regret for going overseas because yes, love is very important, and you have ranked quite high in my heart. but the other half i don't regret because i found myself back. the part of me that you hate, i lost it, the part of me that you initially fall for, i found it back. but i wasn't give the opportunity to show you. i know you hate me now despite not knowing the reason, just that you don't wish to see me anymore. what i tell myself is because you are unsure of yourself, because you want to move on, to have the independence that you want, or because you have surrounded yourself with singles, that's why you end up preferring single life.or because you found another girl, and you refuse to tell me just like how you used to refuse to tell your ex.


to Nicholas, thanks for being there for me. i know you said we didn't go thru much thick and thin, but we did. maybe it's not much to you, but at least i got to see the many sides of you. watching you grow up from how you were during poly days to how you are now, it's very different. there's lots of things i want to tell you and i would say it to you thru whatsapp. i know you won't reply me, but i still want to tell you. the reason why you felt bored in our relationship is because i changed to someone i didn't know who i was. it's my fault. but personally, everyone deserved a 2nd chance. the reason why you don't want to give it to me is because you said you had no feelings. but feelings can be re-created, but you don't wish. because to you, you only saw my negative sides, you blocked away any positive sides that i have, maybe that's where you have yet to grow up yet. I know there's other reasons, but since you want to tell me those, then i can only take those reasons. things could have been different if we didn't end so early, but such things i wish you can say you can't control, but apparently you did. I know what i am doing now, is what you didn't like when your ex did the same thing, so apparently you have such an effect on women. but regardless, please don't be influenced by your friends. you have to think for yourself, cause you are who you are. your friends can only be there to support your actions, not to influence your actions. i know you will say you this type where got girls like, yes they will. when they discovered who you really are, like how i discovered who you are in the beginning and still discovering. Girls will only see your good sides when they are long enough with you, just like how i did when i was with you. if the girl really likes you, she will be supportive and maybe won't complained so much like the old me.

Nicholas, I love you then, I love you still, I will love you always because you were a part of me. <3 br="" nbsp="">

Behind a strong face, lies a broken girl

I know I didn't blog for a long time. But here I am blogging again.
A lot had happened this 4mths and this 15days of the new year. Two major stuffs - back from my exchange program and my break up with nic.
All in all, I enjoyed the 4mths but if I had known these 4mths would lead to me breaking up, I will selfishly said I would rather not have gone. I rather i be beside him than to go and enjoy and come back to be heart broken. Can you imagine how much loneliness I have to suffer when I was there because I knew my bf would not be happy with me, out partying, drinking in the countries that he detest a lot because he can't trust them? I rejected going out with the girls because I knew he wouldn't be happy about it, and I don't want to misbehaved myself and make him angry. I don't want to allow him to go thru history again. But what happened is that he starts drifting off communication with me, we had even more arguments because of different stuffs like how he almost got into a fight instead of caring his life, how we always misinterpreted each other words wrongly, how I didn't treasure enough but keep playfully complain when he thought I was complaining about him.
Because of all these, suddenly the next day after I came back, he decided to break up with me. How much I wanted to be in his arms after 4mths of loneliness, and he said he preferred his freedom, his stress-free life when I was away for 4mths. He said he thought it thru and he said he doesn't have feelings for me. All so very different from how he acted when I was away, keep asking me to go back to his side. Now that I am back, he wants to leave me. Seriously, how can anyone take it? I cannot take it, No matter how strong a face I can put up. I Miss him like crazy, but I can't do anything at all. How is this what you call being fair to me when you never even think about me at all? You ask me not to waste my time on you and just said sorry thruout. Sorry doesn't heal a broken heart. It just makes me wonder what happened during this 4mths that all of sudden when I am back, everything that we once had, all destroyed.
Worst of all, I bought lots of things back to try between us. Now I can't even use any single one, because between us, we have became broken. You made me relied heavily on you, yet suddenly I can just fall down on my own. I don't think it matters to you, because you became quite cold hearted to me.
Feelings gone can be build up. But you said you are No longer interested. You said you tried before once, and it's not working for you. You don't even explain it to me, just said as it is. What happened to be honest in a relationship? Did honesty went out the window? I don't think I am ever fully prepared for this. From picturing our future together, this picture now evolved into Me alone again.