Behind a strong face, lies a broken girl

I know I didn't blog for a long time. But here I am blogging again.
A lot had happened this 4mths and this 15days of the new year. Two major stuffs - back from my exchange program and my break up with nic.
All in all, I enjoyed the 4mths but if I had known these 4mths would lead to me breaking up, I will selfishly said I would rather not have gone. I rather i be beside him than to go and enjoy and come back to be heart broken. Can you imagine how much loneliness I have to suffer when I was there because I knew my bf would not be happy with me, out partying, drinking in the countries that he detest a lot because he can't trust them? I rejected going out with the girls because I knew he wouldn't be happy about it, and I don't want to misbehaved myself and make him angry. I don't want to allow him to go thru history again. But what happened is that he starts drifting off communication with me, we had even more arguments because of different stuffs like how he almost got into a fight instead of caring his life, how we always misinterpreted each other words wrongly, how I didn't treasure enough but keep playfully complain when he thought I was complaining about him.
Because of all these, suddenly the next day after I came back, he decided to break up with me. How much I wanted to be in his arms after 4mths of loneliness, and he said he preferred his freedom, his stress-free life when I was away for 4mths. He said he thought it thru and he said he doesn't have feelings for me. All so very different from how he acted when I was away, keep asking me to go back to his side. Now that I am back, he wants to leave me. Seriously, how can anyone take it? I cannot take it, No matter how strong a face I can put up. I Miss him like crazy, but I can't do anything at all. How is this what you call being fair to me when you never even think about me at all? You ask me not to waste my time on you and just said sorry thruout. Sorry doesn't heal a broken heart. It just makes me wonder what happened during this 4mths that all of sudden when I am back, everything that we once had, all destroyed.
Worst of all, I bought lots of things back to try between us. Now I can't even use any single one, because between us, we have became broken. You made me relied heavily on you, yet suddenly I can just fall down on my own. I don't think it matters to you, because you became quite cold hearted to me.
Feelings gone can be build up. But you said you are No longer interested. You said you tried before once, and it's not working for you. You don't even explain it to me, just said as it is. What happened to be honest in a relationship? Did honesty went out the window? I don't think I am ever fully prepared for this. From picturing our future together, this picture now evolved into Me alone again.