To the fourth that never came

So Yup, as the title suggest, today would have been a different kind of day.
To be honest, I don't know how I'm feeling too. I know I can ignore all the 22nd of every month, But somehow just this mth, I Can't. Maybe because it was meant to be special. Maybe because it Can't be special anymore. Tummy filled with butterflies, neck filled with chokes of tears, eyelids blinking back those waves. All beside me now is just Eeyore with the dream catcher hanging above me. And the locket by my keys with our photos in my card pouch. I never meant to reveal such stuffs, But I promise to myself that I will be honest about everything.
Has a day gone by without Me thinking about u? Yes. But this month? No. Or rather since September. Or basically never a full month Where I never think about it. The endless dreams of u two together happily rubbing salt into a by right healed wound, call me creepy, But I don't control what my mind think of. N I don't wish to control. Let the mind be free, That's when creativity comes in.
People says you will always miss your first love. I don't know how True is that, because it's not the case for me.
My colleagues don't believe I'm single. Whenever they asked what happened, I don't know Why But I just started to cry. The always ever so bubbly girl just breaks down. Everyone gets stunted. Every single time I shared my side of the story, told them to give the benefit of a doubt, because I don't know the full story at least not from his side, I just started to tear. It seems to get worst especially recently when I told Fiona (my colleague) about it. Imagine two 23 years old on a late shift, standing outside bottega and Mont blanc and all of a sudden while I was talking about it, I broke down. I literally started to cry. Fiona didn't know what to do, just started hugging me and told me I will find a better one.
What if there is no better one? What if that last relationship was the last one I will ever date in my entire life? What if I just pass away in my sleep all of a sudden? What if because of the last relationship, the wounds never heal, n I'll never date again? What if I am meant to be single for the rest of my life? What if I am never meant to find my other half? What if I am just unable to commit because of this past relationship? I know I have trusting issues already, because I'm never able to trust anyone fully anymore. Not the sweet talkers, not Even the Serious ones.I don't know what to do actually. I have been in this loss maze for 10 whole months already.
Everyone told me not to blame myself But him for letting me down. I told all of them the same response: " I don't blame him nor her for breaking us apart. I don't know why he did this, nor will he ever explain to me. I don't blame her because she's just freaking young But Maybe she's more mature in other ways. I blame myself. Life is just this way. U never know when it's hitting you. I blame myself because I am never going to be good enough for anybody. I blame myself for having such fate. I blame myself for my poor growth as a human. I blame myself because nobody is at fault other than one self." They said I'm too kind, too naive, That's Why I got bullied. Told them they should have been able to see it now at work because I'm always helping others to hit their sales. They should know who I am by now because I'm a Fucking open book and bloody hell easy to read. Nothing interesting about me. I have more to learn, more to grow as a human.
But despite all the growth I can have, I still worry deep down about relationship. Will I be able to forget him? Will I be able to find my own happiness? Or is this my fate?
Every single time u log on to fb / instagram or just hang out with your friends, you hear/see another pal of yours getting marry, having a kid, it makes u wonder how old you are. I admit, it makes u even more worry will you ever have such a happy ending, will it even happen. You just to keep telling yourself to push it aside and just let it be. Being single has nothing wrong. U hang about, you flirt around, you have flings, you have your own control of everything and don't need to spare a thought about your other half. But Why is it everywhere I see couples, n it makes you long for it. I mean I'm only human.
I ask myself this question: do you still love him? And why do you still love him despite all that is done/over ? Not because you are lonely, not because you wish for a company. I second doubt myself every single time, just to double confirm. I know I do. Because love is hard to explain. N to me, everytime I see him, I just smile unknowingly. Maybe not always  on my face, But in my heart. You know the fluttering of heart when you see your love regardless of whatever happened? That feeling. When someone mention something, the linkage back to the memories or his personality, it just always hits me first. Even before my friends. The acceptances of all flaws of his, the annoying facts, all of which just makes me assured that I know I haven't forgotten about him. Yes, I may try to bury it deep, I may do stuffs to forget about it, But at the roots, it's still there. Hack it off at the roots la, you may say, But it ain't as easily said than done. I know I want him to be happy, so freeing him seems the choice But you will always ask yourself Why Can't u make him happy or don't you wish you would be happier together. Now it seems to be one side of happiness and other side of negativity and sadness. 
I guess I am just a naive, idiotic,blind  girl who should know better to do this. But to the last ounces of courage that I have,
I love you, Nicholas. Still. Always have, always will.

(Maybe I might just have the same fate as professor snape, single for rest of life because he always love lily.)

Cause i'm only human~

Much changes happened in my life, be it at work, or on me personally, I embraced it. Maybe, just Maybe the tarot cards predictions wasn't that far off wrong after all.
But I guess I'm still waiting for that one (or Maybe two) changes. N that is getting a job that I'm interested in. Or Maybe I should just be a salesgirl for the rest of my career. High pay, shitty hours, n lots n lots of human interactions that makes me loss faith in male species as a whole. Just a generalization thou I know there's a few special cases But I'm done searching. Just let it be. If it's meant to be, it will be. That's the funny thing about fate, n I suppose love. I don't deny I feel lonely at times because everywhere u turn, u see couples. Esp at airport. But what can I do? Just suck it up lor. I mean I'm human afterall. Yes, I still shitty miss him despite all That's done and over, But I'm just like any other Stupid girl. every human being needs love,because we are human. That's how we are created.
Work wise, mont blanc now is in a mess. I miss Andena (store internal joke), I miss Alex, I miss Glenna, I miss pork knuckles. Mont blanc really not the same anymore. I hope Andean will win his case,  I wish they didn't have to shuffle Kenneth to gm. I kinda of miss the time Where it's just the 3 of us suffering together. I don't mind the new team, I mean Roger is my ex colleague turn into now my sup, jeslyn always very blur n we have so much laughter together, firdaus is just been a bro as he always was by treating me like a guy and telling me which girl chio or which body part not right. -.- Joshua makes me afraid to interact with him lest he decided to punch me in the face and I'll be gone just like that. Makes me keep rushing myself to get out of here, not Cause of Joshua But Cause of the shitty mgmt.
I'm not going to clean up this Shit of a mess because Why should I? One thing to learn about this reality - always put ur own interest first. N Yes, That's y I sucks at work. Why? Because I'm always helping people instead of taking care of my own interest. My own personal target haven't hit, yet I just pass the sales on to my colleagues. Bravo Eh? All Cause they all have a responsibility - be it for family, be it for credit debts, be it for weddings, be it for housing and so on. Me? Only thing I'm taking care of is myself. Yes, I get the highest commission, But Where does it go to? Treating family for meals, buying them gifts, treating friends meals. That's how it goes. Any responsibility? Any burden? Nope.
I don't deny that I spent a lot. But it never seems to be on myself. So Why am I so foolish? Idk.
Haix. Sometimes I wonder Why I change so much. But I guess the most important thing is that I'm happy, comfortable with who I am. I am just glad people think of me as my age and who I once was, and will always be - the bubbly, crazy woman who always have fun and don't give a Fuck damn on how people think of me, guai lan piece of shitty human girl. 💁👏
Till next time for more update~ 😘
Xoxo,
J❤

yet another milestone closure.

didn't realised i didn't blog for the mth of aug, so here it is, a summary. not going to talk about work because that will be a post by itself.
finally graduated recently (or rather not so recently since now then i blog about it. -.- blame it on my laziness) since i'm backdating this entry after that recent one.
anyway, 15 aug was a busy day. woke up at my usual time (aka late mornings) prepared with make-ups and whatsoever nonsenses. headed to sch slightly later then the arranged time. :x but still within the time frame. hey, it's been ages since i traveled to sch and i somewhat forgot the traveling time. hehehe. blah blah blah. don't have to write up the details of every steps. but boy was i hungry. and best thing? i can't wear the robe and run to canteen to buy food, so bought from buzz, which had nth! 1 packet of soya bean milk was all i had for lunch. (like everyday) so i was one of the 2 that brought selfie stick along, and the cameraman very clever, everytime we take with selfie stick, he stand one corner and take us using it. -.-||| every single time even when we having our meal time, i took out selfie stick, he took a photo of us. -.-||| take already nvm, take one the photos came out not nice! still ask us to buy. -.-|||| u think i so rich ar! (okay la, i earned quite a bit of commission la. but also not to spend on such things ma. need to save for rainy days. since i used up mine. :( )
anyway, after a very small ceremony at a lecture theatre, food time! and photo taking of course.
next stop, hilton hotel!!! ya, just grad in the day time, at night at alumni event already. so we met the ceo of courts asia (since he also from UOS one.) food was so so much better. well since i didn't eat until then. hehehe. champagnes! cheers mateys for graduating! collected lots of contacts, but never send any. hehehe. why? cause it's not the one i'm looking for or rather it's not really in the retail sector.
anyway, enough of blahhness, headed to chill at starbucks nearby before heading to one altitude with the bayne street girls and rx's friends. didn't party late since next day i got to work. and also because we went there just to see the night view of sg from above for free. yes, call us cheapos, i don't care. bleh.
okay, end of boring post. till next time.(fyi, i'm posting from store lappy. hehe.)

Do i know myself actually?

Okay, am suppose to post my aug post, But guess I didn't afterall. Shall post it in the next post.
For this post, I guess I just wanna say I really don't know what am I really feeling. I think I know, But I don't want to admit it. And because I always been deceiving myself that I'm over it if I can start having feelings for other guys. But I guess I really don't know myself that Well after all. I mean who am I to you now But just a past. Just another person who you wouldn't care anyway. Just another stranger. 
I guess all I wanted to say is I know I still miss you despite not talking about you, thinking about you, and whatever works related to you. I know I stop myself from linking anything to you despite seeing it, But I guess I just gonna try harder.

I miss you still, Mr N.

之一

为何爱情会是人生中的快乐之一，痛苦之一，悲哀之一，烦恼之一？
就顺起自然吧，有发展就是好事，让我再次快乐幸福，没有的话，就跟平常一样，快快乐乐地过每一天吧，朋友也很好啊。
因为在也不想有期望。有了期望，并有失望。期望越高失望越大，没有期望就没有失望。
因为这就是人生的挑战之一。

One of my favourite phrase nowadays. Because it's all in the mind. Your mind does wonders. If you are positive, positive stuffs will happen. So just expect the unexpected. Cause you are always in for a surprise in life. that's just life.

(Sidenote: I have no idea when I started sounding so deep. -.- good or bad? idk. i'm growing old too fast already. hahaha!)

another tough path ahead.

so after sitting ard and shaking my legs for 2mths, finally back to work. decided to do part time, so back to the shop floor i go while searching for full time job. ironic of taking a degree but going back to shop floor. back end of retails seems not to be hiring fresh grads, and much less a private uni fresh grad want to fight with local uni grad? not possible. private uni grads, pls take ur q no. behind those local uni grads. exactly what i'm doing now. one mistake i failed to do when I had the chance was do internship. i learnt my lesson the hard way. so for those who are in uni now, u got to do internship. dun mind the shitty pay, but the thing is employers are looking for ppl with exp, even the shittiest intern, it's also considered an exp. well, too bad, it's over for me to go thru internship, so i gotta do is hope and wish and pray that i get a job where they don't mind training me.
realising this part time job, i kinda of grew attachment to it and it's only my 1st day. so much ironic in the job scope thou. 1) i hate to do sales and approach ppl. because i know when i shop, i don't like people to come approach me. let me do it my own pace. yet i'm doing all these and more. 2) i always feel a fear when entering luxury stores because of the "grand" feel that makes me feel like i'm out of place, yet now i'm working in it. 3) u know how u always see those staffs clean those glass? yup, i'm doing those. yet i don't even do it at home. -.-||| 4) never into male fashion, yet i seems to get it instead of letting me go bottega, or jestina or blvgari. only side benefit i see from it? at least my immediate boss is a male and not a female. (male bosses tend to be better to handle than female bosses, if u know what i mean.)
I actually learn so much about display, diff types of pens and watches that guys prefered. (hehe, good learning ground for me to buy present for whoever is my next lucky one. :x) anyway, to think i thought tagheuer is expensive, boy was i wrong. this brand apparently is even more ex according to my boss (whose name by the way is like a first time i see in this world - andean.) guess the brand yet? i never did know that these brands in SG is under one of the top korea company that everyone has heard off. lotte. yeah, i'm working under lotte with a korean HR and director, who double check whether am i korean mixed. ^^V (YAY!) hahaha! so the brand i'm under is mont blanc which to me, i only know it sells pens and not anything else. (apparently SG nv bring in their facial wash. like a seriously, buy mont blanc facial wash?! *faints* rich people jiu shi bu yi yang.) and after so called half an hr product training, they just left me to look after the shop myself. well done. U GUYS THINK TOO HIGHLY OF ME LA! which resulted in me running to all the other shops for SOS. hahahaha! i like to stay at lotte duty free shop, because they play korean songs all day~ and on top of that, miranda kerr and SNSD keep "staring" back at me. awwww~ hahaha!!!! (but the ppl they put in that store arrrr....... *speechless*) so apparently they are so under-staffed that 1 person run the whole store and clever me has been assigned to closing shift aka late flights. meaning i end work everyday at 12 midnight. not that i mind. (since i'm a night animal. and i like to stay out late at night. this gives me a perfect reason to. kekeke. and basically because i can schedules all my other interviews in the morning where i look like a zombie and let me screw up even more interviews.) so between andean, kenneth and me, 3 of us in that store. apparently they lack a female in that store, so i got assigned to it. and also because "mummy" keep saying i can service a few ppl at the same time, hence stressing me up now that i'm at the store. i mean, i'm just a SA what, why stress? no lor, they give me target to hit also. *faints* give me comission la! -.-||| (aka to their discussion, it's something i can pick from mont blanc. (thanks, i know i guy, but also not that guyish yet pls!))
anway, enough of my part time job, was super stress the previous week cause i got called up for interview at RSH for merchandising job. pretty much i screwed it up. well done. because when i agree to do this part time job, RSH called me for 2nd interview. stress that i can't give up RSH and at the same time, i can't give up lotte because i will affect "mummy" reputation. so honesty is the best policy. told them i can only work after 3 weeks, which wasn't that bad since i screwed up at one of the question when u as an interviewee suppose to bootlick the company. [out of these 3 brands - H&M, Mango and Zara, which do you prefer to shop at?] so clever me done research on the company beforehand, did not bootlick the company due to brain malfunction. yes, i chose H&M out of 3, which the other 2 is their company brand! just shoot me in the head. and my response? "I used to shop at Mango, but their styles after a while didn't suit my taste and the price range was a bit high. So i swop to H&M because their items are more affordable for a student like me." HELLO! i shopped at ZARA too!!! why didn't I say?! u cannot imagine how many times i knock my own head against the wall when i came out. yes, i meant literally. at the bus stop, i also go knocked somemore. haix. so say bye bye to RSH that job. haix. well done for screwing it up. u have only urself to blame. (well, 3/4 of the blame.) remaining 1/4? why did they have to DECORATE THE ROOM SO NICELY IN A BASKETBALL THEME! TA MA DE! (well, i don't have to explain that part anymore.) need to control my brain thinking.
well, at least it ain't so bad now. WRONG! now everyday i see the word - Nicolas. WHY IN THE WORLD DO U HAVE A COLLECTION OF WATCHES NAMED IN THIS COLLECTION NAME! BLOODY HELL! haix. whatever. welcome to screw my life upside down whenever u feel like it. not like it's making any difference anyway. okay, enough of lengthy post, i need sleep. 2hrs the night before ain't good, and i'm working mid shift today because i need to learn about watches and their working functions. so for now, bye~~~ the mystery remains whether will i be employed by the end of the year.....

Because I love you so.

我想你已表現的非常明白
我懂我也知道　你沒有捨不得

你說你也會難過我不相信
牽著你陪著我　也只是曾經
希望他是真的比我還要愛你
我才會逼自己離開

你要我說多難堪　我根本不想分開
為什麼還要我用微笑來帶過

你已經遠遠離開　我也會慢慢走開
為什麼我連分開都遷就著你
我真的沒有天份　安靜的沒這麼快
我會學著放棄你　是因為我太愛你

This is the song of my love life. Maybe it's time I keep things to myself and suffer alone (which i have been doing very quite some time now). maybe it's time to go thru everything myself so I can grow even more. I'm enjoying independent life like how I used to but that doesn't mean I don't think about those times. maybe i never will stop thinking about those times. Guess I found another reason to dislike Jay Chou afterall. The tears that flow whenever I hear this song.... till today...

anyway, found a part time job. decided to try it. guess i still like to work at places where people can't find me easily unless they buy some form of "entrance ticket". Just wanna be thankful for everything I have now. Maybe not asking for anything is the best way to get everything. or maybe when you start appreciating everything you have around you, and not asking for more than what you should have in the Maslow Hierarchy of Needs, things will come when it's time for them to be at your door steps. so force of nature, is it time for some positive enlightenment into my life now? because i'm waiting.

簡簡單單

so much changes, so much happenings, one after another, just slowly changing me. who am i, i asked myself this question way too often. what am i going to do with my life? just give me a job, it will take my mind off lots of problems that I am not ready (or am I?) to face. lack the experience, i will slowly learn the ropes if only you give me the opportunity. but if the opportunity is not present, how am i suppose to learn? everyone giving me advices, taking in their advices, editing with their advices, but nothing is working. it has come to a point that i really give up because my patience is gone, my luck wasn't even around in the first place, what else can happen? well, lots of other negative stuffs can happen. i'm just waiting for the day where i end up like in my dream - been banged by a car. hopefully soon. too much of a good thing, resulted in me being in this state. someone either been cursing me behind my back for this whole year or i just used up too much of my good luck for this lifetime and it hasn't been replenished or karma or this is just life - the down side of my life that is.
been reading too much novels to kill time. reading too much about fortune telling - from date of birth to horoscope to face reading to palm reading to tarot cards to elements of the earth to anything and everything related to fortune telling. I know i'm down on luck, and i want to change it. because the wheel of fortune don't just stop, it turns. what goes around, comes back around.
one of the good thing about being this down, i really learnt how to appreciate every single thing. regardless of whatever bad stuffs thrown in my face, there's always a good side of how i view it. i don't think i ever try to be positive as much as now thou. hmm. another thing is so what if it's bad? just let it be it. i'm sure there's something i need to see from this. treat it like a learning experience. everyone got to be at ground zero sometimes. i know i am at ground zero. but hey, u know what? i don't care. because i'm glad i have all my friends, my family members beside me to cheer or help me at ground zero. it would have been better that my partner is with me, but then sometimes u can't force things. so be it. i can only keep the hope, keep the faith, believe that things will turn for the better. but whatever it is thrown in my face, i know i will grow out of it, and become stronger from it. like how i am now. the changes that i have grown into, the differences in me now and differences in me then is quite big, but in me, i am still the fun, childish kid that will always be rebellious, stubborn. the goofy me. and i like that about myself. because if i don't goofy around, i can't make things interesting. and i can't be the joke of my friends. most importantly is always laugh. always have fun. that's is what is important. because laughters can keep u accompany thru the dark times, and make u enjoy the happy time even more. going thru dark times? i can be ur listening ear. i might not give very good advices, but i can be ur wall where u talk it out. u need someone to side u? no prob. but i will tell u the truth at the same time if u are in the wrong. that's what friends are for. i wonder is this the differences that my friends sees in me. they tell me i changed for the better, is this the change? if it is, i will gladly improve myself even more. because i want to be better. i want to be a better person, a better friend, a better girlfriend, a better daughter, a better wife and so on. because i know i ain't a very good person in the past, i made too much mistakes, but i know it's never too late to change. and i hope i continue to change for the better and to remain as easy-going, open minded as usual. change to be a simpler person. no complications cause life is just full of it.