To the fourth that never came

So Yup, as the title suggest, today would have been a different kind of day.
To be honest, I don't know how I'm feeling too. I know I can ignore all the 22nd of every month, But somehow just this mth, I Can't. Maybe because it was meant to be special. Maybe because it Can't be special anymore. Tummy filled with butterflies, neck filled with chokes of tears, eyelids blinking back those waves. All beside me now is just Eeyore with the dream catcher hanging above me. And the locket by my keys with our photos in my card pouch. I never meant to reveal such stuffs, But I promise to myself that I will be honest about everything.
Has a day gone by without Me thinking about u? Yes. But this month? No. Or rather since September. Or basically never a full month Where I never think about it. The endless dreams of u two together happily rubbing salt into a by right healed wound, call me creepy, But I don't control what my mind think of. N I don't wish to control. Let the mind be free, That's when creativity comes in.
People says you will always miss your first love. I don't know how True is that, because it's not the case for me.
My colleagues don't believe I'm single. Whenever they asked what happened, I don't know Why But I just started to cry. The always ever so bubbly girl just breaks down. Everyone gets stunted. Every single time I shared my side of the story, told them to give the benefit of a doubt, because I don't know the full story at least not from his side, I just started to tear. It seems to get worst especially recently when I told Fiona (my colleague) about it. Imagine two 23 years old on a late shift, standing outside bottega and Mont blanc and all of a sudden while I was talking about it, I broke down. I literally started to cry. Fiona didn't know what to do, just started hugging me and told me I will find a better one.
What if there is no better one? What if that last relationship was the last one I will ever date in my entire life? What if I just pass away in my sleep all of a sudden? What if because of the last relationship, the wounds never heal, n I'll never date again? What if I am meant to be single for the rest of my life? What if I am never meant to find my other half? What if I am just unable to commit because of this past relationship? I know I have trusting issues already, because I'm never able to trust anyone fully anymore. Not the sweet talkers, not Even the Serious ones.I don't know what to do actually. I have been in this loss maze for 10 whole months already.
Everyone told me not to blame myself But him for letting me down. I told all of them the same response: " I don't blame him nor her for breaking us apart. I don't know why he did this, nor will he ever explain to me. I don't blame her because she's just freaking young But Maybe she's more mature in other ways. I blame myself. Life is just this way. U never know when it's hitting you. I blame myself because I am never going to be good enough for anybody. I blame myself for having such fate. I blame myself for my poor growth as a human. I blame myself because nobody is at fault other than one self." They said I'm too kind, too naive, That's Why I got bullied. Told them they should have been able to see it now at work because I'm always helping others to hit their sales. They should know who I am by now because I'm a Fucking open book and bloody hell easy to read. Nothing interesting about me. I have more to learn, more to grow as a human.
But despite all the growth I can have, I still worry deep down about relationship. Will I be able to forget him? Will I be able to find my own happiness? Or is this my fate?
Every single time u log on to fb / instagram or just hang out with your friends, you hear/see another pal of yours getting marry, having a kid, it makes u wonder how old you are. I admit, it makes u even more worry will you ever have such a happy ending, will it even happen. You just to keep telling yourself to push it aside and just let it be. Being single has nothing wrong. U hang about, you flirt around, you have flings, you have your own control of everything and don't need to spare a thought about your other half. But Why is it everywhere I see couples, n it makes you long for it. I mean I'm only human.
I ask myself this question: do you still love him? And why do you still love him despite all that is done/over ? Not because you are lonely, not because you wish for a company. I second doubt myself every single time, just to double confirm. I know I do. Because love is hard to explain. N to me, everytime I see him, I just smile unknowingly. Maybe not always  on my face, But in my heart. You know the fluttering of heart when you see your love regardless of whatever happened? That feeling. When someone mention something, the linkage back to the memories or his personality, it just always hits me first. Even before my friends. The acceptances of all flaws of his, the annoying facts, all of which just makes me assured that I know I haven't forgotten about him. Yes, I may try to bury it deep, I may do stuffs to forget about it, But at the roots, it's still there. Hack it off at the roots la, you may say, But it ain't as easily said than done. I know I want him to be happy, so freeing him seems the choice But you will always ask yourself Why Can't u make him happy or don't you wish you would be happier together. Now it seems to be one side of happiness and other side of negativity and sadness. 
I guess I am just a naive, idiotic,blind  girl who should know better to do this. But to the last ounces of courage that I have,
I love you, Nicholas. Still. Always have, always will.

(Maybe I might just have the same fate as professor snape, single for rest of life because he always love lily.)

the truth and the deception

I know what I want, I go all out for it. Nothing will stop me to get to my final goals in life. I know how I act, and I chose to act it that way because that's who I am. I know why I said certain stuffs, act a certain way, because I stay true to myself. I let my heart takes me where it wants to take me, I let my brain decides which path I should go, because I know I'm happier that way. I fight for my own future, because I never give up. Whether it is right or wrong, I know I will learn my lesson one way or another. If it's wrong, I just simply stand up, think and consider for a while, and I head the way my heart and brains tells me in that moment. I chose to live my life this way, because life is too short to keep worrying. And because I know I will always be happy deep down inside if I listen to myself. I will make mistakes, I will learn from it, I will create moments, and I will celebrate in that glory. Because truth being said, I know I am never going to deceive myself from every moment on, to live my life as I want it to be, to create the future that I wish it to be. Because it's important to never give up on my dreams. It may take a short while, it may take ages, but the dream will be kept alive because I want it to happen.

My heart tells me to stay, my brain told me to let go in the day, by nightfall, it told me to stay. My heart tells me my happiness lies within you despite all you have put me thru, my brain scolded me for being a fool, yet by nightfall, it's you that my brains always dream about. I wish for the time to see another invisible man beside me like how I saw an invisible you before we met. I told you before that you were faceless in my dreams by my side during the night ride, during the accident that we saw. I wish then, I wish time will tell me now that another invisible man was waiting for me. I wish i knew the truth for how everything started it out, but I know myself that I might not want to hear the truth. everything you said after that day, i never felt anymore sincerity or your real feelings. your sorry don't sound sincere, you don't sound like you are at all. your "happy" felt more like not the real happiness you once felt. I know what I want, and I said it often, I know I want you, much as how often I said it, I have too much guts and balls. I don't fault you for finding it a pest, I don't even fault you for having an affair behind my back, it happens because I gave that chance to you. Do I fault myself then? Somewhat. For giving the opportunity but never to find out the true meaning of happiness if I never learnt this lesson a hard way. Never to find out the true meaning to myself which is what is most important. I can go crazy, but I know that that's the future I want.

It's weird that I never did dreamt bout E before after we broke up, yet this was different. I hope it's just my heart telling and convincing my mind, but I also hope and wish that it will come true. Because there's nothing happier in life as compared to when you found love.

I love you still, always have, always will. Maybe with time, it will fade~ Maybe with time, fate will reveal the truth to me~

I love you still and I'm sure of it because of that thumping of heartbeat that I felt when I saw you again. and that heartbeating wasn't because of other reasons.  ♥

fuck life, fuck deceiving, fuck illusions.

So apparently whenever everyone asked me how is my life so far, I will sigh and ask myself so how is my life so far before I will reply. Because I really don't know how is my life so far. I mean there's so many jobs out there, which should I take, which direction I want to take? Having so many advices to listen to, which path to take? My dream job for now to work and learn from Victoria Secret, people tell me not to go cause of me not being experienced enough to work under such company. I know they care for me, so I'm taking up their advice and not heading there yet. Then where should I go next? I really don't know. Maybe I'll know when I send in resumes and see which company wants to accept me. but with the bad luck steaks going around for me, I wonder will I even have any company accepting me.

I know it's april tomorrow, and that means i'm left with 25 more days to do my report and hand in. but whenever I see it, I don't wish to do. Why should I bother to learn and do it for you when you don't give a bloody damn? Why should I let your ideal dream company be successful when you will be with another girl? and when I asked myself that, because I still bloody care. I wish I can be just as cold blooded as you are to me, to not care and not feel anything at all. Maybe it's my weakness to be so caring towards you. But i need to finish this report if not I can't graduate. Every time forcing myself to look at another point of view, because I need to grad, so I need to do it. But how come the motivation died everytime this happens but motivation never dies for any other things? one word - fuck.

Love life. well, it's going even shittier for me. I know I shouldn't revealed it here, since all my girl pals will murdered me for not updating my "progress". So after the break up, advancements came. But I can't accept them because there's no feelings for them. and feelings for girls are super important, at least for me. SO where is my Mr. right feelings guy?!
 Like I said, Vincent said he will wait for me, but I kept rejecting him until I give up rejecting him and just ignored him because I don't want to have karma effect of me for rejecting people.
Samuel tried to be the sweet-talker that I used to fall for. He was really gentlemanly, brought jacket because he doesn't want me to catch a cold in the cinema, but I was a step ahead of him. Walked me to the train station even thou he takes bus, and all the other minor stuffs. All the gentleman gestures but yet it didn't hit me as hard as how your actions did for me. Another thing is even 4 years plus later, much awkwardness still remains, we have no common topics, and we just can't chat much.
Both of them keeps complimenting about how I look now, but I still don't feel that I look my best.
And so bro and god-mum tried to arrange me to a blind date with R. but yet there was no feelings. Bro told me not to factor in age, because age doesn't matter, but does it? Somehow I still feel that I'm bother by dating a guy 9 years older than me. and there just ain't any sparks that fly.
So bys girls are arranging to go to the beach, so I can find guys.
Went clubbing quite a few times, yet I rejected because never find love in a club. (got nagged many times because my parents was saying why am I destroying my own life because of a guy when the actual intentions were just to drink, have fun, dance around, and enjoy my own life.)
If the ocean is so wide like everyone said, tell me why can't i find one that i can have feelings for? How much deeper must I dive to look for? Or just give me a stronger fishing rod, I'm super I will be able to fish for him. But I already give up looking. Because I'm sure the time will come when nature wants it to come to me. (Plus not forgetting i'm having freaking run of bad luck)
Bro asked me to ask myself this question - 爱一个人和喜欢一个人不一样, is it? Hearing what he said from his experiences, and agreeing to my opinion of that question, yes, it's really different. Just how far are you willing to go and change yourself just because the person asked you not to do it or to do certain things? How far this line is drawn between being yourself and changing yourself for that person? How are you able to balance this line and yet feels so comfortable as the skin on your body?

Why I said fuck deceiving and illusions because whenever I think and recalled the past, nothing of the past will accidentally or concidentally pop out of nowhere and surprised me. But when I do not want to think of the past, or just simply enjoying my day out with whichever friend(s) i'm with, the past always hits me in the face and is fucking bulls-eyes. and that is not so easy to obtain if you know what I mean. Take for example no. 1: how often is it always bulls-eyes when u happened to go out, and something related to fishing comes out and appear out of no where or u see people carrying fishing rods or happened to see a fishing equipments shop? none at all for me, and me being pretty observant, I sure would notice. But what happened after break up? *BAM* it appears out of nowhere. like seriously?!
Take for example no. 2: Just today I was taking train, and there's durian smell coming from another cabin. Sorry, I was laughing away when the couple opposite me was waving and pinching their nose and it reminded me of u. like seriously again?! But then I recalled how brave you were in bringing back the durian dessert for your mum when you can't stand the smell at all.
Take for example no. 3: Of all the times I went clubbing (which is pretty much for someone like me who doesn't like to squeeze in a crowd), the very first time I see a dance-off and on your b'day (technically your b'day since it crossed 12am.), and I remember about the guy u said who danced like kwangsoo and the dance-off that u saw in the club.
Take for example no. 4: Nowadays been listening to more club songs, but I don't really like clarity that song. so why is it on your b'day that I managed to hear to the same song 3 times despite never ever hearing the same song more than twice a day. And yet the same line always struck a cord in me - "If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?" and the next other line that struck with me is - "Cause you are the piece of me I wish I didn't need Chasing relentlessly, still fight and I don't know why."
So what am I going to say now? signs? I believe things happened for a reason and it maybe left unknown because God won't tell you the reason and you will never find out the true reason behind it. You may have guessed a few reasons yourself but you will never know the truth. Such as I see this as a sign of how you got together with her, and I more than friendly with Stephan. And the surprised thing? almost the same timing. Why didn't it become more was due to 3 reasons. because I have enough of long distance relationship, because and most importantly, I respected and stay faithful to my partner back home whom I loved and felt even more appreciated for after experiencing life apart and because I know that I like him a bit more than friend and that's all. because it's 喜欢 and not 爱. Because I know I won't move from SG to Cali just for him. Americans leh, your favourite type of people, you might say, but to be honest, are you sure? I can be single for the rest of my life, and just live in New York, my dream destination, and be happy there because I know I am happy with myself with every other thing in my life, but the important thing for me now is that I know I won't be happy if I never find my own happiness - my other half. After travelling the other half of the world, as fancy as many will say it is, but really it is afterall just a place/city/country to be in. Just like how Singapore is my place/city/country that I was fated to born here. Much as you can travel there, enjoy the place, but as a citizen there, you will also get bored of the place just like how singaporeans are bored of singapore.
I think I have asked myself enough time what is love already because love holds no boundary, and it can only be felt with the heart.

I know you have been trying to avoid me, just as I am making your life easier by avoiding you. Because I know your happiness matters to me.

confession: to be truthful to myself about love

At the rate that I keep reflecting on myself, I realised that I have not been very truthful with myself esp with my feelings. Starting from young, I have always been telling myself that I will never get marry because I don't want myself to get hurt. I didn't realised how much I have enclosed myself because I believe in being independent. Maybe the fact that I was a single child for quite some time makes me relied on myself for everything and not believing in anything easily until I tried it out myself and end up forming my own theory(s) about it and working my life with such theories. Maybe the fact that my family belongs to the strict type that I'm always rebellious against them, and stubborn against anything thrown in my face. From primary school been bullied, having my school bag and shoes thrown into rubbish bins, standing up against those so-called cleverer kids, resulting me to have a sharp tongue. Why make life so complicated when you can just say whatever you want, and the message is being brought across as compared to keeping it in, suffering for it, building up your tolerance level and end up exploding in whatever manners you could or even beating about the bushes to make sure your message got across by letting the other party figure it out themselves.

It have its disadvantages from having a sharp tongue, you tend to offend people without knowing. And I used to not care about people's feeling. maybe I still do a bit nowadays. Catching up with my girl pals recently, and I realised how much I have changed from the past. Having very bad memory failure because I couldn't remember all those things I did. Talking to them helps me to remember those bits and pieces. If loy did not remind me yesterday, I didn't even realised it. I didn't even realised that I told no one about me and eugene when we were together. Not any of the time we got together, not in secondary 1, not even after we graduated from sec sch. It was because of the rumors that spread, which is actually mentioned by him to his close friend that my batch knows about it. Everyone only knows after we broke up. What a surprise that was for me. Keeping it quiet because I know that the relationship will end up nowhere. And yet when I was still with him, I keep telling everyone that I won't get marry because there's no such thing as soulmates. Maybe there is, but I know it won't happened on me. I wasn't honest with myself because in my mindset, every relationship I entered, I have the mindset to have fun and until the time is up, it's time to go. Maybe cause I believed I am strong enough to let it go.

With the same mindset at hand, I entered my 2nd relationship. Acting upon the crush, with that mindset in mind, I thought I was strong enough if the relationship fell apart, I believed the hurt won't affect me that much. Girl pals nowadays telling me, in the first place, I said that I kinda of knew this relationship won't last. But like I said, I wasn't truthful with myself. I guessed I didn't expect myself to fall in love. I didn't expect myself to open myself up and fall in love with nicholas. Starting of the relationship it was just being getting over the first love, But gradually, with more memories created, with more time spent together, I didn't expect myself to open my heart. I didn't expect myself to find true love because it's not easy to find and it's rare. I didn't expect myself to be blinded, and continue to deceive myself everytime that it's just parts and parcels of a relationship. I just deceived myself time after time because I didn't know I have fallen.

The fact that I have fallen and fallen badly makes it So hard for me recover myself now. Everyone telling me I should let it go. I thought I did, But apparently I only semi did it. I let it go, But I wasn't able to accept anyone else in. I don't think I will ever let anyone in, Cause I just keep blaming myself for every faults and failures in this relationship. Maybe I'll never be ready to accept another person. And just maybe, I am destinated for singlehood for my this lifetime.

Bro told me something and it aches for me to know the truth: "as a guy myself, do you think he will come back for you even if he breaks up with this girl? He won't. Because he already hurt you and he doesn't want to hurt you again. He won't know how to face you after hurting you. He would rather face another girl and have a fresh start, no matter how strong ur love is." (But if he's man enough, he will admit his mistakes and face you again.)

Maybe it's true, maybe this is how Nicholas thinks too, But as a girl, I know I will always hold on to that hope no matter how small it is. Because
"能愿意为了一份爱付出去多少 然后得到多少并不计较"
Cause I know I found true love and I didn't treasure it while it's mine and let it go away from me. And the price that I pay with is this heartbreak and singlehood for my life.