So Yup, as the title suggest, today would have been a different kind of day.
To be honest, I don't know how I'm feeling too. I know I can ignore all the 22nd of every month, But somehow just this mth, I Can't. Maybe because it was meant to be special. Maybe because it Can't be special anymore. Tummy filled with butterflies, neck filled with chokes of tears, eyelids blinking back those waves. All beside me now is just Eeyore with the dream catcher hanging above me. And the locket by my keys with our photos in my card pouch. I never meant to reveal such stuffs, But I promise to myself that I will be honest about everything.
Has a day gone by without Me thinking about u? Yes. But this month? No. Or rather since September. Or basically never a full month Where I never think about it. The endless dreams of u two together happily rubbing salt into a by right healed wound, call me creepy, But I don't control what my mind think of. N I don't wish to control. Let the mind be free, That's when creativity comes in.
People says you will always miss your first love. I don't know how True is that, because it's not the case for me.
My colleagues don't believe I'm single. Whenever they asked what happened, I don't know Why But I just started to cry. The always ever so bubbly girl just breaks down. Everyone gets stunted. Every single time I shared my side of the story, told them to give the benefit of a doubt, because I don't know the full story at least not from his side, I just started to tear. It seems to get worst especially recently when I told Fiona (my colleague) about it. Imagine two 23 years old on a late shift, standing outside bottega and Mont blanc and all of a sudden while I was talking about it, I broke down. I literally started to cry. Fiona didn't know what to do, just started hugging me and told me I will find a better one.
What if there is no better one? What if that last relationship was the last one I will ever date in my entire life? What if I just pass away in my sleep all of a sudden? What if because of the last relationship, the wounds never heal, n I'll never date again? What if I am meant to be single for the rest of my life? What if I am never meant to find my other half? What if I am just unable to commit because of this past relationship? I know I have trusting issues already, because I'm never able to trust anyone fully anymore. Not the sweet talkers, not Even the Serious ones.I don't know what to do actually. I have been in this loss maze for 10 whole months already.
Everyone told me not to blame myself But him for letting me down. I told all of them the same response: " I don't blame him nor her for breaking us apart. I don't know why he did this, nor will he ever explain to me. I don't blame her because she's just freaking young But Maybe she's more mature in other ways. I blame myself. Life is just this way. U never know when it's hitting you. I blame myself because I am never going to be good enough for anybody. I blame myself for having such fate. I blame myself for my poor growth as a human. I blame myself because nobody is at fault other than one self." They said I'm too kind, too naive, That's Why I got bullied. Told them they should have been able to see it now at work because I'm always helping others to hit their sales. They should know who I am by now because I'm a Fucking open book and bloody hell easy to read. Nothing interesting about me. I have more to learn, more to grow as a human.
But despite all the growth I can have, I still worry deep down about relationship. Will I be able to forget him? Will I be able to find my own happiness? Or is this my fate?
Every single time u log on to fb / instagram or just hang out with your friends, you hear/see another pal of yours getting marry, having a kid, it makes u wonder how old you are. I admit, it makes u even more worry will you ever have such a happy ending, will it even happen. You just to keep telling yourself to push it aside and just let it be. Being single has nothing wrong. U hang about, you flirt around, you have flings, you have your own control of everything and don't need to spare a thought about your other half. But Why is it everywhere I see couples, n it makes you long for it. I mean I'm only human.
I ask myself this question: do you still love him? And why do you still love him despite all that is done/over ? Not because you are lonely, not because you wish for a company. I second doubt myself every single time, just to double confirm. I know I do. Because love is hard to explain. N to me, everytime I see him, I just smile unknowingly. Maybe not always on my face, But in my heart. You know the fluttering of heart when you see your love regardless of whatever happened? That feeling. When someone mention something, the linkage back to the memories or his personality, it just always hits me first. Even before my friends. The acceptances of all flaws of his, the annoying facts, all of which just makes me assured that I know I haven't forgotten about him. Yes, I may try to bury it deep, I may do stuffs to forget about it, But at the roots, it's still there. Hack it off at the roots la, you may say, But it ain't as easily said than done. I know I want him to be happy, so freeing him seems the choice But you will always ask yourself Why Can't u make him happy or don't you wish you would be happier together. Now it seems to be one side of happiness and other side of negativity and sadness.
I guess I am just a naive, idiotic,blind girl who should know better to do this. But to the last ounces of courage that I have,
I love you, Nicholas. Still. Always have, always will.
(Maybe I might just have the same fate as professor snape, single for rest of life because he always love lily.)
