questions and doubts makes me think about it all.

looks like it has become a habit to blog out my feelings. hmmm. lengthy post ahead.

everyone asking me to forget you because of lots of things that you said about me that stress you to give up on us. but do you know that the person who actually has such stress was me and not you? and how come i was able to hold on to the stress, but you chose to use it as an excuse to escape?

1) you told me i stress you out in terms of friends. let me ask you this, why is it that i hanged out with your friends and chat (thou not a lot), but you never did with mine? i told you to hang out with my friends, but you always said no, because i should have my girls time. so when i did the same for you, letting you have your guys time, you said i should have been with you. So when i'm with you, you said I never give you face by giving black face? did i really? or is it a term that your friends telling you? because judging from what i remember (which is a lot like i always tell you), my face was the same as all your friends and yours. So tell me, why is it that whatever expression on my face, it's called black face, but on any others, it's not? Tell me again, why is it that you said you're happier when you are with your friends when you are equally as happy when you are with me and your friends together? in fact, looking at your facial expression, you don't seems to be "happier" when you are with your friends. (because you and I both locked ourselves up and just pretend to be happy with other people, just so we don't affect their mood.) maybe with your darts friends, because i know you are happier there, but then again, i only hanged out with your darts friends once, and we got along pretty well, so stress? nope. that's just as an excuse you are deceiving yourself with. and like i told you, you think i never communicate with your friends, but i did. you said never to judge a book by it's cover, so why did you use it as an excuse to deceive yourself? 

2) you told me i stress you out in terms of family, but did i really? from my memory, i got along pretty well with your family too. well at least when i'm oversea, i did wish your aunty a happy new year. maybe i wasn't that good with family relation because you should know how small my family is, but hey, i queued and communicated with your aunt in regards to hello kitty queue. so where did i not talk to your family? well, maybe not so much to your dad and brother, well other than that time for ur 21st b'day video that we communicated more. but hey, i talked to your mum when you are bathing. if not, do you think you will be "forced" to take a degree? and the thing is, you always wanted to go home whenever you come to my house. maybe you felt pressured, but you are the first guy that i introduced to my family, and that means something important to me. but then again, when a couple date, isn't it firstly about the couple and the other parties related to us don't matter? because it's not like we are talking about marriage or whatsoever so soon anyway.

3) maybe it's okay to ask your friends for opinions, but when the problems surfaced, shouldn't all problems be solved by the parties involved? you said so yourself to me, friends can offered opinions, not options, so why are you not listening to your own advice? why are you using those opinions as options? problems happened, it's to be discussed by the parties involved, so problems can be resolved. but why are you taking these problems and trying to solve it yourself? why is it when i wanted to talk with you the problems, you refused to talk, you don't wish to solve but to escape? but when i was away, you then decided to solve the problems? ironic, isn't it? 

4) you said that why is it you feel bored in our relationship, have you realised that for sparks to happen, it takes 2 parties. i don't mind creating the sparks for you when i was by your side, it's tiring work, but it's worth it for the laughter I can see on your face, you know why? cause it's love. the things you do for love are crazy and beyond words to explain. and the reason you felt bored is because we have reached our comfort zone. you used to what i do, i'm used to what you do. comfort has both good and bad. good comfort is what you see in your parents daily life. look at your parents. aren't they comfortable with each other too? isn't that the pattern? if you were to take every comfort zone in every r/s as a breaking point, wouldn't that be doomed for every couple? do you see every couple try to build chemistry when they are in a long term r/s? they do, you might not see it unless you look closer because the initial sparks will always die, but it takes both parties to work hard for the future they wish to build together. 

5) do you think i have no trust in you? if i don't have, do you think i will dare to travel thousands of miles across the Earth and be away from you? ask yourself that. is it really me chasing my dream and ignoring you, or is it me trusting your words and your actions and giving you the freedom that you seems to lack of to think about us more in the future? yes, you can look at it at many viewpoints. me chasing my dream of studying overseas, but I was doing it for you too. I am supportive of your future, your career, because a career means so much more to a man than a lady. I was seeing the world, and wanted to share with you. You hate the countries, i accept it, but the businesses done there is how it makes so many companies so successful globally. what makes you so sure your business won't do as well as them? if their businesses can be doing so well, isn't it a proven tactic that you should adopt too? maybe it's my fault for keep trying to tell you to go over there, but you need to see the world to learn. i may teased you, but the fact remains that i trusted you very much. you said i became arrogant, but did i really? is it yet another opinion that you heard somewhere? because ahjuushi, you are doomed to find out that a lot of girls/ladies/women are like that. because that's is what differential a lady from a guy. maybe cause you didn't know me from young, that's why you think that way, but the change in me, you made me changed. for the better or for the worst, you decide.  

6) the 3rd year or better known as the three year itch or the resigned compliance stage or the disillusionment. I thought i wasn't the long term gf type, but you made me think twice about myself. people always says that the 3rd year is the toughest because by now you realized that what initially attracted you to each other, you now find it different from what you want. but that isn't true for me. cause what i find attractive about you, still remains as that. because to me, what remains important to me is that you are happy, smiling away, acting like a kid, just like how you acted when you got to chose your diving suit. that kind of happiness, that kiddo smiles, that thumbs up you put up. that is what called happiness. remember you said before if i am happy, you are happy, it's the same thing that is happening for me. if you can't find happiness within yourself, you can't provide happiness to the other half. i wasn't happy with myself, that's why i couldn't bring happiness to you. that's why you find it tiring to make me happy. maybe you find it boring because you already discovered who i am, you become not interested in the chase after finding out who i am. well, i told you before, your thinking is a bit like a woman, and for woman, when you find out who the person really is, you just fall deeper for him. seems like not the case for you, or is it? 

7) why is it that when i mentioned the past, you just brushed away the past? what is it about the past that bothers you so much that you don't wish to see it anymore? why are you "afraid" to re-live the past if you said your determination is strong? what past has past, isn't it? so you mean as a normal friend, you can't talk about the past? yes, you moved on, and i have semi-moved on. I believe that things will come to a full cycle when it ends for no reason. am i still waiting for you to come back to what we once was? yes. because when you left, you left with a part of me. the same thing if you were to ask about my first love. because he left with a part of me. the number of times you break up, you left a part of yourself with the person, no matter how small or big the part is. memories is a powerful tool, because if you can always re-live in the past with that memory in your mind. in order to be happy, you have to live in the present in a happy state, but looking back in the past of those happy memories. that's how you stay happy. but you just make me wonder why is it about the past that you refuse to hear about? 

i still have more to say, just like any woman going thru a heartbreak. questions after questions. but the fact that i can't say out to you makes me wonder am i right to continue to do this for you? i can only said that i'm in this battle this far, when i didn't know i sign up for this war in the beginning. maybe it's a mother instinct in me that wants to protect you, or maybe it's the love i have for you that makes me do this, but when the day eventually arrived, i know you won't want to be with me after you see the battle i fought for you. because i'm no different from what will be exposed, cause humans are humans after all. but for this last battle that i will fight, i hope it makes your future a brighter one once everything comes to light. 

always loving you and still waiting. 

Growing up - what i have learnt from that 4mths

If only time can be rewind...
I wish I am there to be with you thru more challenges ahead because that is what every relationship is suppose to go thru.
But I wouldn't give up who I am now because I am glad that I am who I am now.
You go thru life to find out who you really are and be who you want to be .
Sometimes in order to grow up, you need to go thru certain stuffs to learn. And to learn, you need to learn by yourself, without help, without guidance, if not you are not growing, but helping yourself to be a prey for the strong.

I wish I helped you grow up by yourself more instead of what little I felt I done. Maybe it's time you see the world you live in by your own eyes and look more thru the 3rd party eyes , you would see your 'beautiful' world is not as nice as you think it is.
I wish that I can continue to be your friend and let you see your world thru my eyes because the biz world that you want to be in, I only worry for you. because you don't wish to visit those countries that i went, you didn't give me the time to tell you my stories, i can only hope for you the best and let you discover the world by yourself. Don't take things just by the surface cover or what you believe you know because there are more than meets the eyes.

I wanted to travel to hk n Taiwan with you, now that I'm back, but you didn't want to give me the chance to. I want to show you the world that I've seen and Maybe then, would our love have grown. But it's all too late now. I only wish that I could keep those promises I had with you, because that is who I am and I don't break promises, even as your friend.

Loving you still. Always have, always will.

The power of love = forgiving.

Everyone says the moving on part is the toughest, but how does guys do it so easily?

My friends been telling me to hate him. It's the only way to move on. But I told them I can't hate him because I already forgive him. The power of love? the stubbornness of me? The persistence of me? I told them that I realised and understand that God (regardless of whichever religion you belong to) create humans to love one another. You may complain for a while for ur hatred, but after that, you either forget about it or forgive it.

Looks like the 'answers' you gave me, wasn't closure enough for me. I guess I need more than just that. But I believe because you found another girl that you like that's why you are doing this to me. Not because the feelings are gone, because u said before the feelings will always be there No matter how small it is.

Still loving you, still waiting for you.

our love story

i know i shouldn't be writing this, but i got to write it down somewhere and i want to remember when i grow up. and writing down is a form of letting it go and moving on. I know i have grown up, from everything, but especially during the 4 months i'm away. i learnt back my independence, i recovered back my sociability, i learnt that i should continue to support you in doing what you love and not pressure you, i learnt not to relied heavily on anyone, i learnt that it's good to have someone for you to talk to, who i thought love me, learnt that i am no longer violent, learnt that if you love or care for that person, i don't mind cooking despite my own tiredness (sorry i didn't learn it earlier), learnt that everyone need their space and that i didn't give him enough space during our time together (too late now), learnt that there's no point in questioning your other half because it will just results in more arguments. despite learning everything, i wanted to come back and show u the changed me, but little did i expect you to have stop waiting for me. what happened to wanting me to own u forever? what happened to our planned future?

anyway, here is our love story which led to the ending of break up. (lengthy post)
so we were actually classmates for last year, but we weren't close at all. it was because of bqc that lead us to be closer. he was asking gf to teach while i was learning from gf already. but part 2 of our project, i was doing that part, since gf doing part 1. so he learn from gf to me. after that, we started chatting and i realised i was having fun chatting with him. (at that time, i already broke up with eugene, but we just continue to be close despite him being in a r/s.) continue chatting with him, and introduced him to girl's generation run devil run. he started liking them. and i didn't know why he like that song until later on, i found out he likes the song because it was similar to the situation that he was in with his ex. but whatever it is, we just chatted about kpop. those times when you chat, you chat via MSN messenger. i still have our conversation from then. he was really funny. keep dying because he didn't do this part, that part, really absent-mindedness. but that was what made him adorable. and because of his absent-mindedness and kept making me laugh, i enjoyed talking to him, and i don't know that i started to fall for him. but then it was always my rule to myself to never date a classmate because if things come to a bad break, it will be very awkward. but despite it, i went ahead with myself.
because we were bored, we went out together during our school holidays. went to marine square to watch a chinese movie. (yes, if you know me, i don't watch chinese movie.) and after movie, he tested me about the movie! ha. and i was literally translating those chinese terms into english. and because of that, we had laughter. we went to flyers to eat popeyes, and walked over the DNA bridge. that was when MBS first started. went into mbs to explore, got lost, but end up manage to walk to raffles mrt, and he brought me to chinatown to drive me home. that's when i learnt that he was a good gentleman.
we went out a few times after that. to hougang stadium to help each other train for napfa, with his bag placed above mine, because of security reason. he travelled all the way to hougang to train with me, which was a plus point. went to hougang mall comic connection walk about and then we went separate ways home. i still remember he always put his hand on my back and push me and laugh at my timing.
the other time we went out was to Sentosa, because we wanted to suntan. apparently that day we went, there wasn't sun. but we still went ahead. he came to pick me up at vivo, and we drove in. apparently the entrance fee was cheaper than we took monorail in, and he was happy. carpark fee wasn't that bad. so we went to change and i was very self-conscious because of my flappy arms. then after sitting down the tent, we headed to the sea and played. he tried to drown me lots of times. which was why after that we went to queensway and eat curry chicken. (our internal joke). and he drove me home. but before that, we went to punggol park and sat in front of the pond and he tried to stare into the pond to look for fishes while i just sat there. chatted a bit. i still remember i asked so i'm not important. which he replied in the car, you are not not important. which i didn't get it at all. but after when he went home, we chatted on msn. the conversation went a bit out of the way. until i gave up too much and you manage to get it. and after that we got together.
the next day, we went out to tampines, walking ikea, courts and giant. you asked me why i like you. i told you cause you are funny. and ever since, every time you sent me home or at least try to send me home.
we stayed quiet from everyone but then you asked me to update my facebook status. i didn't wanted to, but after a few days, i did. little did i know that doing such little things can make you very happy.

1st year went by soon enough. i wasn't used to someone doing sweet gestures for me, because i know i don't deserve such attention. i'm not one that does sweet gestures, i don't do art well, that's why i prefer buying gifts. it may not be from me, but i thought it meant the same things. but after looking at everyone, i saw everyone doing sweet stuffs for their bf, so i thought i should give it a try. lots of things happened, if you are reading this, i have already written it down in the cards or past messages. i may not be one that is able to show my appreciation immediately, but every gestures that you did for me, i remember. i know you feel unappreciated, that's why partly our love died. i still remember that you cried in army, calling me, begging me not to go back to my ex, because i felt lonely when you are not there. i'm sorry that i did this to you. i'm sorry i wasn't strong enough. but no number of sorry has any effect on you now.

2nd year went by too, after some arguments. i know you wanted to go diving, that's why i sent you diving. i know you don't like me spending money on you, but i like to see the smile on your face. it makes it worth it to see how much you enjoy it, and to see that smile on your face. your kiddy action of happiness, it was worth it. i tried to improve to socialise with your friends and family. it wasn't all that bad. i still prefer to sit around and watch how you guys talk, the dynamics is something very different from what i always experienced, instead of a proper you have to do this and this, what i saw is something that i never experienced about family. likewise for your friends. you might feel stress cause i don't talk much, but i like to hear you guys talk. because it's funny. that's not my black face that you always assumed. i just preferred to listen. if and when i can, i will talk, but most of the times, you guys are always in your friendship bond. try looking from an outsider angle, did you see your friends' partner talk much? the guys talked because of army talk, but other than that, they didn't talk much too, but the girls, i was the only one because your pal's girl is already friends with your friends. it's not that i'm not sociable, but it's tough to break in the wall. but look back at the last few outings, since when did i not talk at all? so don't say that it's stress. cause i'm sorry to say this, but i personally feel and observed is that because you guys bonds are so strong, you tend to believe what they say over mine. because by then, my position in your heart already fell.

by 3rd year, our excitement fell, we slipped into comfort zone. i wanted to spice up, do things we have yet to try, but to you, it was costly. and because it's costly, we had to skipped the plan and end up doing our usual stuffs. i don't mind to be honest. cause to me, at least any time spend with you was much preferred than not spend with you since i was going away for 4 months. i know you begged me to not go, but i still insists on going because it's my dream to study oversea. if you are my bf, you would have supported my dream. i thought you did. but after what you said last week, you said if you were me, you wouldn't have gone if your gf ask you not to go. i guess you can look at it two ways, either i wasn't your true love, that's why you weren't supportive, or you believe dreams should not be reality but should value love over dream. i know i had your answers, and i hope it was closure enough for me. but i still can't forget you. and i know i semi-regret for going overseas because yes, love is very important, and you have ranked quite high in my heart. but the other half i don't regret because i found myself back. the part of me that you hate, i lost it, the part of me that you initially fall for, i found it back. but i wasn't give the opportunity to show you. i know you hate me now despite not knowing the reason, just that you don't wish to see me anymore. what i tell myself is because you are unsure of yourself, because you want to move on, to have the independence that you want, or because you have surrounded yourself with singles, that's why you end up preferring single life.or because you found another girl, and you refuse to tell me just like how you used to refuse to tell your ex.


to Nicholas, thanks for being there for me. i know you said we didn't go thru much thick and thin, but we did. maybe it's not much to you, but at least i got to see the many sides of you. watching you grow up from how you were during poly days to how you are now, it's very different. there's lots of things i want to tell you and i would say it to you thru whatsapp. i know you won't reply me, but i still want to tell you. the reason why you felt bored in our relationship is because i changed to someone i didn't know who i was. it's my fault. but personally, everyone deserved a 2nd chance. the reason why you don't want to give it to me is because you said you had no feelings. but feelings can be re-created, but you don't wish. because to you, you only saw my negative sides, you blocked away any positive sides that i have, maybe that's where you have yet to grow up yet. I know there's other reasons, but since you want to tell me those, then i can only take those reasons. things could have been different if we didn't end so early, but such things i wish you can say you can't control, but apparently you did. I know what i am doing now, is what you didn't like when your ex did the same thing, so apparently you have such an effect on women. but regardless, please don't be influenced by your friends. you have to think for yourself, cause you are who you are. your friends can only be there to support your actions, not to influence your actions. i know you will say you this type where got girls like, yes they will. when they discovered who you really are, like how i discovered who you are in the beginning and still discovering. Girls will only see your good sides when they are long enough with you, just like how i did when i was with you. if the girl really likes you, she will be supportive and maybe won't complained so much like the old me.

Nicholas, I love you then, I love you still, I will love you always because you were a part of me. <3 br="" nbsp="">

Behind a strong face, lies a broken girl

I know I didn't blog for a long time. But here I am blogging again.
A lot had happened this 4mths and this 15days of the new year. Two major stuffs - back from my exchange program and my break up with nic.
All in all, I enjoyed the 4mths but if I had known these 4mths would lead to me breaking up, I will selfishly said I would rather not have gone. I rather i be beside him than to go and enjoy and come back to be heart broken. Can you imagine how much loneliness I have to suffer when I was there because I knew my bf would not be happy with me, out partying, drinking in the countries that he detest a lot because he can't trust them? I rejected going out with the girls because I knew he wouldn't be happy about it, and I don't want to misbehaved myself and make him angry. I don't want to allow him to go thru history again. But what happened is that he starts drifting off communication with me, we had even more arguments because of different stuffs like how he almost got into a fight instead of caring his life, how we always misinterpreted each other words wrongly, how I didn't treasure enough but keep playfully complain when he thought I was complaining about him.
Because of all these, suddenly the next day after I came back, he decided to break up with me. How much I wanted to be in his arms after 4mths of loneliness, and he said he preferred his freedom, his stress-free life when I was away for 4mths. He said he thought it thru and he said he doesn't have feelings for me. All so very different from how he acted when I was away, keep asking me to go back to his side. Now that I am back, he wants to leave me. Seriously, how can anyone take it? I cannot take it, No matter how strong a face I can put up. I Miss him like crazy, but I can't do anything at all. How is this what you call being fair to me when you never even think about me at all? You ask me not to waste my time on you and just said sorry thruout. Sorry doesn't heal a broken heart. It just makes me wonder what happened during this 4mths that all of sudden when I am back, everything that we once had, all destroyed.
Worst of all, I bought lots of things back to try between us. Now I can't even use any single one, because between us, we have became broken. You made me relied heavily on you, yet suddenly I can just fall down on my own. I don't think it matters to you, because you became quite cold hearted to me.
Feelings gone can be build up. But you said you are No longer interested. You said you tried before once, and it's not working for you. You don't even explain it to me, just said as it is. What happened to be honest in a relationship? Did honesty went out the window? I don't think I am ever fully prepared for this. From picturing our future together, this picture now evolved into Me alone again.

Broken-Hearted Girl

lesson 1 learnt from long distance relationship: time difference makes the couple very hard to communicate with one another, leading to many argument. 

lesson 2 learnt from long distance relationship: communicate is best done in the format of verbal speaking than Whatsapp. it will results to break up.

lesson 3 learnt from long distance relationship: guy (nic) never like gifts to be thrown on him even thou it is a present for our anniversary. 

lesson 4 learnt from long distance relationship: you treasure the time you spend with each other physically than virtually. 

lesson 5 learnt from long distance relationship: cause of gifts given to him, he insists on paying back, leading to arguments. over SMALL MATTER!

lesson 6 learnt from long distance relationship: the time difference and distance causes the other party not able to show concern to you. because he don't care as much as he does when you are at home!

there's all that needed to be said. I don't know whether to hold on or to let go. 

lonely

i don't know why, but i'm feeling very lonely all of a sudden. it's not that i don't have friends here or what, but i just felt like i'm missing out of a lot of things by my side. i miss hugging onto something cause here doesn't have bolster such a thing. i wish i had brought along my penguin pillow pet. i wish i brought along my Eeyore. i wish i brought along my tv pillow. i wish i brought along my bf. due to the time difference, i can't chat much with anyone, let alone my family and bf. on top of that, my bf don't seems to care about me any much better than i was in sg. in fact, it seems to have gone worst. i really feel the heartache nowadays. the communication gotten worst to such an extent that i really don't know that are we even talking at all. i tell him stuffs and he doesn't even read all of my messages. i told him i'm feeling lonely, and he doesn't even say anything to me about it. it really makes me feel that why should i bother to fight so much for this relationship when i'm the only one putting in effort. is he even supporting me through my decisions just like how i support his. i have been fighting it such he gave up on us, all the way from sg until here. i'm really tired already. i just wanted a guy to love me for who i am, to be there for me when i need him. i think as i age with time, i just want a guy who has the right words for me when i needed to hear him say it to me. just like moments like this. people coming here to "play" and have fun even thought they have bf, but yet here i am, behaving myself in ways i don't even find it's me. people come here to have a fling, but i can't. cause i know i have a bf back home, but not one who can be there for me when i need him. not even in the sense of words. i really don't know what to do anymore. the weather here is getting colder, as my moods gets gloomier along with it.

stirling, scotland

it's been a while since i blog here. so now that i'm here blogging, it seems time have passed so fast cause i'm actually here in scotland already. yup, i'm here for a semester. and it's already been a week here. semi used to the life here, cause it's really relax, really slow, after 6pm, u have nothing to do but to cook dinner, chat n do your own work. i suppose it's a bit like how it is in singapore for me. but the distance apart from your family and friends will make you think differently from how you always regard singapore. i'm fine with no chilli and all that, cause afterall, i am the one doing the cooking since the other 3 people don't know how to cook. and i have been spending lots of money on grocery shopping and that is very bad. damn. but the fact that i came here to write is not cause of all this, but as per usual, my relationship prob. i know i have been taking to this platform about my r/s prob, and i don't wish for it. but i need somewhere to write what i feel and hopefully, somewhere n doesn't see. it's not that i dont want him to see, since he do know about this blog, but he forgot about it. oh well, he can see if he wants. i'm not stopping anybody. it's been a bad week all ard. i was attacked by an ex-colleague even thou i never say anything of that matters, but still, it's affecting me cause i don't like to be attack when i can't defend myself. n is just asking me to forget when he should know how it affects me. nevermind that. but the fact that i am been accused by him himself of other matters just makes the feeling really damn bad. i always thought of me going overseas is kind of like a test for our r/s. it's not that i want to test anything to make it weak, but it is in fact a test while i'm here, miles away from him, and him being in singapore. both of us single physically, just mentally attached. i always thought telling the truth is always good for a r/s, no matter how hurting it might be. but it's the truth, cause i never lie to my loved ones. but i have just been accused of that. he said i was lying to him. the fact that we didnt even talk much to each other already upsets me, but yet when we speaks, it hurts to have him so cold towards me. i didn't think that our r/s is so weak to this extend to be honest. i always thought of it been average. yes, not very strong cause we never solve those probs, but also not so weak that everything stuffs happened, it just makes me feel like giving up this r/s. it seems like everytime i'm the one putting in the effort, while he did nothing. i have been here only a week and we already argue twice. i really cannot imagine how it would be like for the remaining days. i wish i know what to do, but i feel so helpless in solving anything. me being so far away, and him not even showing much care and concern for me, not showing me love when i'm so far away. seriously, it just makes me feel like giving up. i really don't wish to bother anymore if his treatment to me continues to be like this. everytime i want to talk to him, he is just never there for me anymore. what should i do?