confession: to be truthful to myself about love

At the rate that I keep reflecting on myself, I realised that I have not been very truthful with myself esp with my feelings. Starting from young, I have always been telling myself that I will never get marry because I don't want myself to get hurt. I didn't realised how much I have enclosed myself because I believe in being independent. Maybe the fact that I was a single child for quite some time makes me relied on myself for everything and not believing in anything easily until I tried it out myself and end up forming my own theory(s) about it and working my life with such theories. Maybe the fact that my family belongs to the strict type that I'm always rebellious against them, and stubborn against anything thrown in my face. From primary school been bullied, having my school bag and shoes thrown into rubbish bins, standing up against those so-called cleverer kids, resulting me to have a sharp tongue. Why make life so complicated when you can just say whatever you want, and the message is being brought across as compared to keeping it in, suffering for it, building up your tolerance level and end up exploding in whatever manners you could or even beating about the bushes to make sure your message got across by letting the other party figure it out themselves.

It have its disadvantages from having a sharp tongue, you tend to offend people without knowing. And I used to not care about people's feeling. maybe I still do a bit nowadays. Catching up with my girl pals recently, and I realised how much I have changed from the past. Having very bad memory failure because I couldn't remember all those things I did. Talking to them helps me to remember those bits and pieces. If loy did not remind me yesterday, I didn't even realised it. I didn't even realised that I told no one about me and eugene when we were together. Not any of the time we got together, not in secondary 1, not even after we graduated from sec sch. It was because of the rumors that spread, which is actually mentioned by him to his close friend that my batch knows about it. Everyone only knows after we broke up. What a surprise that was for me. Keeping it quiet because I know that the relationship will end up nowhere. And yet when I was still with him, I keep telling everyone that I won't get marry because there's no such thing as soulmates. Maybe there is, but I know it won't happened on me. I wasn't honest with myself because in my mindset, every relationship I entered, I have the mindset to have fun and until the time is up, it's time to go. Maybe cause I believed I am strong enough to let it go.

With the same mindset at hand, I entered my 2nd relationship. Acting upon the crush, with that mindset in mind, I thought I was strong enough if the relationship fell apart, I believed the hurt won't affect me that much. Girl pals nowadays telling me, in the first place, I said that I kinda of knew this relationship won't last. But like I said, I wasn't truthful with myself. I guessed I didn't expect myself to fall in love. I didn't expect myself to open myself up and fall in love with nicholas. Starting of the relationship it was just being getting over the first love, But gradually, with more memories created, with more time spent together, I didn't expect myself to open my heart. I didn't expect myself to find true love because it's not easy to find and it's rare. I didn't expect myself to be blinded, and continue to deceive myself everytime that it's just parts and parcels of a relationship. I just deceived myself time after time because I didn't know I have fallen.

The fact that I have fallen and fallen badly makes it So hard for me recover myself now. Everyone telling me I should let it go. I thought I did, But apparently I only semi did it. I let it go, But I wasn't able to accept anyone else in. I don't think I will ever let anyone in, Cause I just keep blaming myself for every faults and failures in this relationship. Maybe I'll never be ready to accept another person. And just maybe, I am destinated for singlehood for my this lifetime.

Bro told me something and it aches for me to know the truth: "as a guy myself, do you think he will come back for you even if he breaks up with this girl? He won't. Because he already hurt you and he doesn't want to hurt you again. He won't know how to face you after hurting you. He would rather face another girl and have a fresh start, no matter how strong ur love is." (But if he's man enough, he will admit his mistakes and face you again.)

Maybe it's true, maybe this is how Nicholas thinks too, But as a girl, I know I will always hold on to that hope no matter how small it is. Because
"能愿意为了一份爱付出去多少 然后得到多少并不计较"
Cause I know I found true love and I didn't treasure it while it's mine and let it go away from me. And the price that I pay with is this heartbreak and singlehood for my life.