This is a very lengthy post, so if you don't wish to read, just skip it.
feeling kinda of down cause of some relationship problems. what's worst is that today (since now is 1.39am) is like our pre-mthsary. but the problem is just left lying there. it's not that i don't want to talk it out, but is him always defusing the problem by changing topic and ignoring the problem on hand. maybe that's why we end up having so many problems cause they are all left unsolved. i always thought that as a couple, u should be able to talk about anything and everything. couples should be like best friends. that's why ANY topics also can chat about.
already argued once about it, made him promised me that he will tell me. but yet once again, i have to find out myself by questioning him. i mean the basic trust is not even there. is there something wrong with me that you can't tell me? need me to ask then u say? and when u say, u blame me?! i already don't know what to do already. I'm stressed over so many things already - how am i going to go thru uni?, will i even pass this semester?, when will my freaking period come!?!(it's super late already!), am i going to be able to juggle work; studies; family and relationship, when will i even cut down weight, when will my health be proper again, and now this?! call me super hero please. and just cause i said he broke a promise, what did he say? i also broke my promise! and what is that promise? cause i never cut down my weight. when I'm depressed, i eat. but what did he say? i can't exercise is it? do i look like i got the time? and he says i very calculative with him! I'm not calculative! i just can't understand why being someone so close to me can lie to me. i just can't accept liars. i have my fair share of liars in my life already, i don't need you to be another one in my life. if u can't even tell me the truth, how do you expect me to trust u? which ones of your words are lies, which ones are the truth?
so what is the best thing to do in such a situation? yes, just accept all the blames. u blame me? yes, it's entirely my fault! u lie to me, I'm depressed, so i eat. i never keep my promise of cutting down weight, yes my fault. my fault that I'm so chubby. my fault that i never provide enough. my fault that you had to lie to me cause you don't know how to tell me. my fault that i put u so close to me. my fault that i had to make you promise me. my fault that I'm depressed. I seriously think that I've got depression. and I think I need to see the doctor for the pills.
and this is not just one of the promises that he broke. he promised that he will spend more time with me. did it happened? nope. it got worst in fact. that i can understand. he's always too tired after army to accompany me. but weekends? i don't think I'm ever his priority. friends, family, rest at home, games, then me. yup, I'm last in his list of things to do. I won't be surprise to see that the actual list is like this. I'm sure he will argue and say "no lor, i always find time to go out with you." or "I'm very tired from work, I don't have enough sleep." ya, it's just words. if you found time, that one very day a week? (sorry, i can't stop crying.)
because of what is happening, if you still don't know that I put up the walls around me, then I really don't know what to say. A heart is never meant to be there for you to break it. that's what love is for. it's to defend the heart. someone once said, if you are more unhappy in a relationship than happy, maybe you aren't meant to be in this relationship. for someone who you're in a relationship for two years, u would have expect the person to understand you better than he just know you. but apparently that's not true. i don't think i know you just like you don't know me.
every time something bad happened in our relationship, i always scold myself. why you so act clever, plan about 2year anniversary when you don't even know you can last this month a not. what if i got the thing and end up we break up, what is going to happen to the item? that one is your interest, not mine. i don't know what to do with it. and because this exact thought always happened, i end up pushing back the purchasing. on top of that, I'll scold myself, why so act clever and determine that he is the one? stop thinking about future when you can't even handle the present. don't plan about marriage, kids and all that. and I'll laugh to myself, what an ironic this is. i have always go around and tell people that i won't get marry and have kids. yet i dream about such stuffs. and i said maybe marriage is okay but for sure no kids. yet i think it's okay to have kids with you. i don't know why i went against my religion of believe. teaches me a lesson not to think so far.
the thing is that as you guys last longer in relationship, you're suppose to either gotten so used to the "bad" side or can't stand the "bad" side anymore. I'm actually in between. there are some that i have gotten so used to - no romance, no more surprises, and so on. yet at the same time, i can't stand all these too. i believed it's called immune. yes, I'm immune to all the "faults". that's why i always says it's okay. it's okay is another way for me to tell that i don't want to continue talking about it before i released the flood gates and blame you for it. treat it as your escape route.
i think i have grown so much that i don't understand myself anymore. anything that happened to me, shaped me. i thanks it for happening to me, cause now I'm learning from such things. I'm taking the back seat. I don't want to let it affect me the second time. cause i never knew that i was so weak. from an extrovert to now an introvert. maybe it was for the better. or for the worst.
i really don't wish to bother anymore. i don't want to think about it anymore. maybe this is just another one of the test of our relationship.
